Offering Attuned Support to the Grieving Person in your Life

Alex Mammadyarov, MHC

Two things can be true: All grief is individual and others cannot read our minds, so it is important that we identify and communicate our needs and greater grief literacy is needed for all. 

Many folks come to therapy to process their grief, unpack its multidimensional impact, and learn how to integrate it into their lives in a way that works for them. Within that, some report having received much support in their journey from the people around them. Many, though, share a sense of isolation in their experience, either because their grief has been overlooked or more often because support attempts have fallen flat. 

Why does this happen? 

Identifying our needs in grief can be challenging, especially in the early days after a loss when we may feel foggy and fatigued. This is where community can play a vital role in keeping us afloat, with supporters performing tangible acts of care such as cooking, cleaning, and delivering care packages. Beyond the fog, some may find it challenging to ask for what they need on an emotional level, fearing that they will be a ‘burden’ to others. (Inner child and family of origin work in the therapy room can offer support in better understanding and deconstructing this fear). In general, when we do not share what we need, we thwart the opportunity to receive it and create room for resentment to grow.

There are also many misconceptions about grief - one being its relationship with time. Grieving people are often given an unrealistic timeline for their healing, feeling pressured to return to ‘normal’ when they are navigating an entirely new landscape. The goal is not to experience less sadness as quickly as possible by distracting, but to safely stay with the sadness and all of the other feelings (anger, guilt, regret, etc.) long enough to truly process them. 

Further, some may experience discomfort witnessing the pain of those who are grieving, as the finality of loss can stoke feelings of helplessness. Friends and loved ones who wish to offer support may also fear upsetting the grieving person in their lives by bringing attention to their bereavement. In truth, though, validating a grieving person’s pain will generally not make them feel it more and instead help them to feel less alone in their new reality.

There are two areas in which desired and received grief support tend to be mismatched: Space-holding versus the delivery of platitudes and advice and long-term acknowledgment versus short-term acknowledgement. 

Grief platitudes are phrases such as “be strong”, “time heals all wounds”, “they're in a better place”, etc. which have the appearance of thoughtfulness but have been overused to the point that they can be received as lacking in depth or personalization. Many of us have used these phrases without much consideration for what they truly mean and if they are an appropriate fit for the person we are communicating with, in terms of their beliefs and emotions. So, why do we use them? Over time, they have begun to seem socially approved because we see them so often. We also might fear saying the wrong thing or struggle with the vulnerability and intimacy required to dig deep and share what we are truly feeling. If we can shift away from the fear of making a mistake and toward greater authenticity (knowing we might get it ‘wrong’ and need to repair), we will be able to foster deeper connection. Ultimately, when we are grieving, we tend to need space-holding and the opportunity to be witnessed much more than a brilliant word of advice. The best support is often intimate and simple.

Grieving people often notice that they receive less check-ins over time and feel present to a steady decline of support following the memorial services, which are truly just part of the beginning of anyone’s grief journey. Continued acknowledgement over time, even in the smallest of gestures, can make an impact. This might look like…

Random check-ins: 
Even if it has been years or decades and you’re not sure if they are still impacted by the loss, it may be worth it to reach out because in all likelihood, they continue to be impacted in some capacity. They haven’t forgotten about the loss but they may perceive that others have, which can feel lonely. 

Remembering the big dates:
One really simple way to extend support is to note significant dates such as birthdays or death anniversaries and save them to your calendar so you can reach out with a message of love and support. Even a text message can go a long way in lessening the isolation they may be feeling. 

Sparking conversation about the person who died:
You might be surprised how infrequently people who have lost loved ones are ever asked about them. This leads those who live with loss to feel that their person has been forgotten by the world around them, when in truth, they continue to play an important role in their lives. Conversation starters might sound like:  “I’d love to hear more about them if you are open to sharing”, “I wish I got to know them. Maybe you could tell me about them sometime”, or “I have a lot of special memories of them. I’d love to share them with you and hear some of yours one day”.

Before reaching out, consider the closeness of the relationship and remember that death and grief are uncomfortable topics for many, depending on culture and lived experience. Consider whether or not you have the capacity to hold space for the emotions that may arise within the grieving person. If not, another form of support (sometimes we need to put grief on the back burner and have a person in our lives we can have fun with) may be a better fit.

Ultimately, offering and receiving attuned grief support means sharing vulnerable communication, and for the part of the support person, following the grieving person’s cues and authentically conveying empathy.