Turning Red: Intergenerational Mother Wounds
Sophie Matthews , MHC
The month of May honors both the heritage of Asian American and Pacific Islanders and the contributions of mothers. I was inspired to write this blog after stumbling across the animated film, Turning Red, from Disney and Pixar, on Mother’s Day. Synchronistically, the film conveys the complexities and evolution of the mother-daughter relationship, as the 13-year-old protagonist, Meilin Lee (Mei), enters puberty. As a Chinese woman myself, it was so refreshing and moving to see a Chinese Canadian immigrant family depicted in mainstream media. As a daughter, I felt my heart crack open for the generations of mothers who have struggled with their own inheritance of family trauma. It is also worth noting that this film was written, directed, and produced by women, who drew from their own experiences with their mothers to create this piece of art, reflecting both culturally-specific and universal experiences of the mother wound.
Mother wounds describe emotional injuries resulting from maternal deprivation, emotional neglect, misattuned care, and even hostile abuse. In small and large ways, we can experience disconnection and conditions of worth, inheriting the anxiety, the unspoken, silent shame, and subtle pangs of inferiority our mothers or grandmothers may have struggled with themselves. Mark Wolynn’s “It Didn’t Start With You” beautifully explores how unresolved traumas from previous generations tend to emerge in future generations as a kind of traumatic re-enactment, whether through psychic, energetic transmission or epigenetic influence. Research now demonstrates how maternal trauma and chronic, environmental stress can change the expression of DNA in following generations, increasing stress susceptibility in children and predisposing them to developing a range of physical and mental health complications. Some factors that disrupt the mother-child bond include early separations, mental illness (anxiety, depression, PTSD, addiction), previous child loss, displacement, war, poverty, sexism, and racial injustice.
As a second generation immigrant, Mei begins her story by declaring her duty to honor her parents, as they have sacrificed so much to provide for her. At one point, Mei refers to her mother (Ming) in the phrase “all her hopes and dreams are pinned on me!”- a comical flash of self-awareness that sounded almost absurd to hear out loud. The pressure to recover something of her parents’ losses and sacrifices, and the burden of meeting her mother’s rigid expectations represent manifestations of intergenerational trauma familiar to children of immigrant parents and parents with unrelenting expectations (Chinese or otherwise). We later come to learn that Mei’s mother suffered her own mother wound from Grandma Wu. It becomes clear that Mei’s mother has likely confronted the same questions as Mei: “Will I hurt my mum by becoming my own person? Can I bear her disappointment? Will I still be loved and accepted for the changing person that I am? Can we stay connected in our differences, our sovereignty as individuals?” Without giving it all away, an avenue for healing opens up when the revelation occurs that mothers need mothering too.
My intention is not to blame nor shame mothers who in some way harmed their children, but to highlight that mothers need support as people in their own right, apart from their role as caregivers. My hope is that you can find an inkling of compassion for yourself and your mother, without discounting the pain she may have consciously or unconsciously perpetuated. Mothers simply cannot give what they have never received, and can only do as they have learned to treat themselves. However, alongside those intergenerational scars lie the maternal gifts, wisdom and blessings that are equally worth acknowledging. We are connected to a whole lineage, part of a bigger story of redemption and healing that we can contribute to. Wherever you are on your journey with your mother, I believe in your power to create, give life to the things you care about, and birth something new. I believe in your power to find your own sense of nourishment and embody a love you imagine to be unconditional.
Wolynn, M. (2016). It Didn’t Start with You: How inherited family trauma shapes who we are and how to end the cycle. Penguin Books.