Working Through Forgiveness
Nada Elawdan, MHC
“Forgiveness is giving up hope that the past can be any different.”
— Gerald G. Jampolsky
WHAT IS FORGIVENESS?
Have you struggled with forgiving someone from your past? With the pandemic coming to a close, we find ourselves reconnecting with loved ones and reevaluating the closeness with others. With much time to think in the last year, have there been resentments or grudges you have held onto and found it difficult to forgive?
According to Rubin Khoddam Ph.D., “Forgiveness is choosing to accept what happened as it happened rather than what could or should have happened. Forgiveness can mean that you let go. Forgiveness can mean you love from a distance. Forgiveness can mean you step into your present rather than anchoring in the past.”
The goal of forgiveness is not allowing betrayal or hurt to affect how you presently live your life. Forgiveness is also not condoning the act but accepting that it happened. It is important to learn to step outside of the past and be present in the moment because holding grudges can feel like spreading poison through your veins. Unfortunately, only you are being poisoned and not the other person.
There is a discomfort in letting go. Discomfort is shown in not having someone to blame for the past. When we do not have a person to place the blame on, we can internalize the guilt. You may believe that this negative feeling you are experiencing is caused by the person who hurt you. Say if this negative feeling did not exist, would you still feel bad or stuck in the past? We do not need to place blame on another person for what we have done or ourselves for forgiving them. Forgiveness is allowing yourself to let go of the blame, let go of the past, and finally free yourself in the present.
IDENTIFY THE EMOTION
What is the feeling you are experiencing when recalling the past? Is it guilt, anger, sadness, rejection, betrayal? Identifying the emotion is allowing an understanding of yourself and how you feel after the event. These emotions are what carries on with us because it colors the story we tell ourselves. All these feelings can have a detrimental impact on your physical and emotional health as well as your relationships (Seybold et al., 2001; Gordon et al., 2009). To understand which feelings are working to accept and let go of, it is important to recognize them first.
SIT IN THE DISCOMFORT
Would you be able to sit in the discomfort of these negative feelings if it meant being rewarded with freedom? Take a look at your past and the emotions we previously identified. Surrender to the feelings of hurt, pain, loss, resentment, and disappointment. Imagine these negative feelings experienced through the trauma and allow the pain to pass through your body. Give yourself permission to feel the feelings and let them go. Let go of the resentments. Let go of the grudges you have held for so long.
ACCEPT THE PAST
To move forward, we must accept the truth of what has happened. Accept the challenge of forgiveness to be on the other side. One of a person’s biggest struggles in their healing journey is letting go and forgiving the trauma, abuse, or personal betrayals. Releasing grudges is releasing the fantasy of what life could have been if this event did not happen or how life may have been. It is accepting the past and letting go of hope for a better one.
“Forgive not because you should, or you should have to, or to be a better person, or that the other person deserves it.”
— Kara Loewentheil, J.D.
RETHINK HOW YOU LOOK AT IT
Recall the event and challenge yourself to change “how do I forgive someone who has hurt me?” to “how do I change my own thoughts about something that has happened in the past?” For a moment, take a step back and identify what you are blaming this person or yourself for. This most likely will be an event that evoked a negative emotion in you. These negative emotions are how your mind created the meaning of this betrayal.
If you are able to identify your thoughts and feelings that have stemmed from your memory of the past but not the past itself. The past does not exist without you thinking about it (Kara Loewentheil). Memories of the past come in and out of your consciousness the more you recall it. Through reframing, you can be able to change how you feel about the event by reinterpreting the past: what they did, how they were, and why it was a problem.
As previously stated, the emotional pain we experience stems from the story we tell ourselves. If we alter our perspectives, we can transform suffering into peace. In the end, your current thoughts about the event are what is still causing you to suffer, not the person.
“Until you heal the wounds of your past, you are going to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex; But eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them.”
— Iyanla Vanzant