How Invalidating Environments Can Affect Self-Esteem

Birch Cooper, MHC-LP

If a child were receiving the praise “good” while learning to walk the thought, “I am good” or “I am good at walking” would be an example of internalizing, external validation. It doesn’t take much to imagine how a collection of these internalized statements could lead to beliefs, then a sense of value or worth. Validating environments also authoritatively affirm emotions and experiences as well as offer support. The validation from a primary caregiver is typically highly valued by a child. 

Both self-worth and self-esteem are dependent on several factors and develop, and change throughout our lives. Consistent and supportive parenting can help establish a sense of self-worth and allow one to regard themselves in high esteem. However, as individuals are exposed to additional influences and environments, those new experiences have the capacity to impact one's perception of self-worth and how they regard themselves. For example, in adolescence many experience a shift in value of validation and approval from family members or caregivers to their peers. Previous time in validating environments will serve as a protective factor, however, at times these additional influences and environments negatively impact self-esteem. 

An invalidating environment can be anywhere where one is told that their thoughts and feelings are incorrect, inconsequential or they are disregarded. This can also include environments where one is insulted, teased, or excluded. Unfortunately, work, school, or even home can be or become invalidating environments. In these environments one may try to express themselves and gain a sense of belonging only to have their contributions or feelings criticized, insulted or denied. A key aspect of an invalidating environment is a lack of support. 

For example, an invalidating work environment could be one where employees are in competition with one another, leading to a lack of support from fellow coworkers. Add a boss who is hypercritical of their workers or who uses their position to diminish others and you have a model of an invalidating environment. It can occur at school if a child is being bullied by other students and has teachers who ridicule them for their mistakes. It can even occur at home wherein there is a lack of intimacy or love towards the partner or their children, such as a relationship that is filled with resentment, tension and strife, or where a partner's faults are constantly being pointed out.

It is important to note that just like there are invalidating environments, there are also validating ones, and that some can fluctuate between being one or the other. For instance, take a child that is being bullied at school, the bullying is invalidating, but perhaps a supportive teacher shows an interest or helps them deal with the bullies fostering feelings of worthiness and support. 

The amount of exposure to an invalidating environment is directly related to the impact the environments have on one’s self-esteem. There are some protective factors like being raised in a supportive home, entering the situation with a stable sense of self, or having other validating environments that one is a part of simultaneously.

However, being exposed long enough can lead to questioning one’s abilities or self doubt. Invalidating environments that include friends, loved ones or those whose opinions of us we value are particularly impactful. Although resilient and additionally stable for some, feelings of self-worth are mailable and even a person with high self-esteem can begin to doubt themselves and can succumb to an invalidation environment, leading to lower self-esteem. 

What is important is how you interpret and react to these environments when you find yourself in one. One key way to lessen the impact of an invalidating environment is to recognize when you are in one and remind oneself that the behavior of others is not a reflection on you.

Second, it is important to remember that self-esteem is how you feel about yourself! Not how others feel about you or treat you. When possible, remind yourself of your successes, moments when you have felt loved, affirm your intrinsic positive qualities and take note of what you are doing well.     

Third, it is important to communicate clear boundaries when it comes to how people behave toward you and the way they talk to you. I want to acknowledge that this can be difficult in places like work where there is a hierarchy of command, however, the majority of people, even those in positions of authority, respond well to clearly communicated boundaries. 

If all else fails, it may be necessary to remove yourself from the environment or limit your contact with it. This is often a difficult step, especially if the invalidation is coming from friends or loved ones. Although the majority of people are receptive to firm, well-communicated boundaries at times, moving past these situations requires a major life change like the end of a relationship or a new work opportunity. 

If you find yourself struggling in an invalidating environment working with a professional counselor can help. In the safety of a therapeutic environment you can identify helpful boundaries, practice stating them, and receive vital support so you can explore what the right next steps are for you.