Perfectionism and Self-Sabotage: The Trap of Trying to Earn Parents’ Love

Astrid Burke, MHC

This year, I’ve had the privilege to facilitate a therapeutic group for adult children of self-involved parents. As I discussed in a previous blog post, their parents may be narcissistic, controlling, overly enmeshed, abusive, or in need of parenting themselves. As I’ve explored this topic and these types of parent-child relationships, I’ve noticed that a common reaction from the child in response to their parent is to either become a perfectionist who seeks to find their sense of self in what they do rather than who they are or, alternatively, self-sabotage, underachieve, and self-destruct. In her book Mothers Who Can’t Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters, Susan Forward, PhD, respectively calls these reactions the “high-achieving child” and the “self-sabotaging child.” 

The High-Achieving Child

This child is out to prove to their parents, to the world, and to themself how good they are and do so through external achievements. Rather than being a “human being” who is good and worthy of acceptance and love simply because of who they are, they become a “human doing” who achieves in an effort to earn love and acceptance from their parents and others. The high-achieving child bases their self-esteem and self-worth on external achievements, accolades, and busyness, but ultimately these achievements only provide temporary relief from their feelings of inadequacy and emptiness. One way to identify whether or not you may be a high-achieving child is to examine how you describe or identify yourself. Would you say, “I’m a kind, thoughtful person with a love of learning and experiencing new things?” Or would you describe yourself based on your achievements or in relation to other people?: “I am a CEO. I am a mother. I am an alum of [insert prestigious school.]” Is your sense of value based on what you do or who you are?

The Self-Sabotaging Child

Conversely, the self-sabotaging child, rather than becoming an over-achieving perfectionist set to prove their worth, internalizes the negative messaging they received from their parents and treats themself as though they are unworthy of love and acceptance. This child gives up on proving their worth or meeting their self-involved parent’s expectations, takes their anger out on themselves, and unwittingly sabotages their own efforts. They may underachieve, numb their pain, or engage in self-destructive behaviors. It is rarely a conscious choice to become self-destructive, but rather a consequence of internalized beliefs of inadequacy, unlovability, and unworthiness.

These reactions to being parented by self-involved parents, though very different, are not black and white. As you look back on your life, you may have had periods of high-achievement followed by periods of self-sabotage. One could also make the argument that being high-achieving and a perfectionist is in and of itself another form of self-sabotage and self-destruction. While these reactions play out differently, the internal struggles of the high-achiever and self-saboteur are the same; they are both in response to feeling unloved and unworthy. Re-parenting ourselves to recognize our intrinsic worth helps restore a more balanced and authentic sense of self than these extremes.