Sharing the Load: Approaches for Dividing Domestic Labor

Lydia Bell, MHC

Do you and your partner struggle to balance the physical and emotional load of running a household together? Does it feel like your partner doesn’t recognize all that you do? So often couples and families struggle with the division of labor–not just washing dishes or childcare, but meal planning, management of family obligations, and what household items need to be restocked. In heterosexual relationships, women often still disproportionately bear the burden of household tasks, including tasks involving multistep planning. Those kinds of tasks can take up a lot of mental space and contribute to burnout. 

One of the practical resources I recommend most in my work with couples and families is Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play. A book, game, and most importantly, a concept, it provides a framework for sharing household labor in an approachable and fun way. The key parts of this concept that I like to share with my clients are:

Make it a game. Rodsky’s card game Fair Play gamifies the process of dividing up labor by having couples take responsibility for a chore via task cards. Cards might have tasks like “planning holidays,” or “handling vet appointments.” Even if you don’t end up using cards to divide up household tasks, I like to help people brainstorm other ways to make this conversation fun. Can you do this while you’re enjoying your favorite snack or beverage? While you’re in your underwear? On a picnic at the park? Anything that might turn this conversation from a chore into a connecting activity. 

If the task is yours, it’s all yours. If you “own” a particular task in your household, all parts belong to you. For example, if you’re in charge of laundry, that means noticing when the laundry bin is overflowing as well as actually doing the laundry, folding it, and putting it away. If you’re in charge of taking a child to a swim class, you’re also making sure the swimsuit is clean, packing a towel, and keeping track of when it’s time to go. 

Don’t be afraid to revise and redistribute your roles. Is something not working for you? Maybe when you took the “taking out the garbage” card you forgot that your lower back has been acting up. Trade that task with your partner for something else! Your partner probably has a task card they don’t want anymore, too. The goal is to keep an open conversation around what’s working for you and what’s not. 

To me, the most important part of Rodsky’s approach is that there is more awareness of what everyone in the household is doing. Sometimes our partner is doing a lot we don’t even know about! This approach can also be used not just for couples, but for roommates, polycules, or other family structures. If you’re interested in learning more about Rodsky’s advocacy for equity in care work, I also recommend checking out the Fair Play Policy Institute, which has resources for care justice.