Generational Trauma and People-Pleasing: How to Break the Cycle
As a therapist specializing in people-pleasing behaviors, the topic of generational trauma often comes up in conversations with my clients. You may have heard the term before, but it’s not uncommon for people to feel a sense of dread when they think about it. Can you blame them? Generational trauma - it almost sounds like a curse! The idea that pain and suffering can be handed down through the generations, like an heirloom, can trigger feelings of anxiety and helplessness.
What is Generational Trauma?
Generational trauma is broadly defined as trauma that is passed down through generations. This transmission can occur both biologically and psychologically, as the experiences of your ancestors shape the environment and conditions in which you were raised. For example, if your grandparents or parents lived through a war, a natural disaster, or a period of severe economic hardship, the stress and coping mechanisms they developed might be passed down to you, even if you didn’t directly experience those events.
How Can Generational Trauma Lead to People-Pleasing?
One example of generational trauma leading to people-pleasing can be found in families where survival depended on appeasing others, often due to historical events or social conditions.
Imagine a family that lived through a war or political persecution, where expressing dissent or standing out could lead to severe consequences. The parents or grandparents might have learned that the safest way to survive was to keep quiet, avoid conflict, and always accommodate others' demands, even at the expense of their own needs or desires.
While this behavior was a necessary survival tactic at the time, it can be passed down to future generations. A child growing up in this environment might internalize the idea that keeping the peace, avoiding confrontation, and putting others' needs first is not just preferable but essential for safety and acceptance. Over time, this can manifest as chronic people-pleasing behaviors, where the individual consistently prioritizes others' approval and comfort over their own well-being.
In essence, the original trauma of living under threat conditions teaches a pattern of behavior that, while protective in the past, becomes maladaptive in a different context. The trauma's legacy is a deeply ingrained belief that one's worth and safety depend on making others happy, leading to persistent people-pleasing tendencies.
How Do I Break Free from Generational Trauma?
Now, the bad news is that generational trauma is very much real. If you’ve noticed patterns in your family that seem impossible to break—like anxiety, depression, infidelity, substance abuse, or people-pleasing behaviors—there’s a chance these could be rooted in generational trauma.
But here’s the good news: you can absolutely break free of generational trauma.
As an adult, you have options. You have access to knowledge and resources that your parents and grandparents may not have had. This awareness alone is powerful. While you can’t change what happened to previous generations, you can take control of what happens moving forward. Here are some tips to get you started:
Acknowledge and Understand: The first step in breaking free from generational trauma is acknowledging that it exists. This can be difficult, especially if your family has a history of minimizing or denying past hardships. Understanding the origins of your behaviors, thoughts, and feelings is crucial in empowering yourself to change them.
Seek Therapy: Working with a therapist can provide you with the tools and support you need to navigate generational trauma. Therapy can help you uncover the roots of your behaviors and develop healthier ways of coping. Whether through individual therapy, family therapy, or trauma-focused modalities, talking to a professional can make a significant difference.
Set Boundaries: Part of breaking free from generational trauma is learning to set and maintain healthy boundaries. This can be especially challenging if your family has a history of enmeshment or codependency. However, setting boundaries is essential in creating a new, healthier pattern for yourself and future generations.
Educate Yourself: Knowledge is power! Educate yourself about generational trauma, mental health, and the ways in which trauma can be passed down. The more you understand, the better equipped you’ll be to make conscious choices that promote healing.
Nurture Compassion and Empathy: Breaking free from generational trauma is not a one-time event but a journey. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this path. Understand that healing takes time, and progress is rarely ever linear. What matters most is your commitment to moving forward and breaking the cycle.
By taking these steps, you not only begin to heal yourself but also create a healthier foundation for future generations. You have the power and resources to stop the cycle of trauma and replace it with a legacy of resilience and strength.
About the Author
Ayaka is a Japanese-American therapist specializing in working with high-achieving adults in their 20s and 30s. Some areas of her expertise include people-pleasing, perfectionism, career uncertainty, and interracial/intercultural relationships. Learn more about her offerings at www.ayakaomoto.com.