Ouch, that hurts! Softening our Inner Critic

Lily Boyar, MHC

It is a human desire to want to be accepted by others. Our behavior is often unconsciously motivated by our need to belong. From an early age, we learn to compare ourselves to others and adapt our behavior to follow suit. 

Our inner critic is the voice inside that tries to manage the relationship between ourselves and others and keep us connected to the “herd”. The inner critic’s goal is to protect us from any social threat that could lead to emotional pain or disconnection from others. It has firm rules about how we ought to feel, act, behave, and look, according to the values we internalized from the time we were young. 

However, while our inner critic is designed to protect and motivate us toward connection, it doesn’t always feel like our biggest cheerleader. In fact, it can be harsh and downright mean! It may say we’re “weak” if we can’t run our fastest mile. Or “we’re “dumb” if we make a mistake. Or even “lazy” if we don’t receive the promotion. 

The sting of the inner critic can make us feel judged and can limit our ability to try new things, be vulnerable, and grow. And most of all, it weakens our sense of self. True self-love isn’t conditional based on whether the inner critic is satisfied in a given moment. Self-esteem is enduring and is developed when we overcome challenges and meet the moment. 

Through therapy, however, we can work with the critic. We will never be rid of it - after all, its job is to protect us from the danger of isolation or disconnection from others. However, we can investigate why it is so hard on us. Where do these beliefs come from? How do they make us feel about ourselves? How do we negotiate our relationship with them? The work then becomes understanding the critic’s drivers and expectations, and choosing how we allow it to treat us.