What Childhood Emotional Neglect Can Look Like in Adulthood

Lydia Bell, MHC

I’ve been re-reading a book that I often recommend to clients: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson. The title is a mouthful, and I sometimes worry that it might put off some potential readers. It’s important to remember that emotional childhood neglect can be subtle! And just because your parents weren’t emotionally available to you doesn’t mean they were “bad” parents. In fact, they were probably doing the best they could with the emotional resources they had available to them. Here are some signs that you might have experienced emotional neglect in childhood:

You have people-pleasing tendencies
You spend a lot of time worrying about whether other people like you and accept you. You suppress your own feelings or opinions so as to keep other people content. You defer to other people, particularly people in positions of authority. 

You seek out relationships with people who can’t or won’t fully emotionally support you
You find yourself in friendships, work situations, or relationships where you are not seen or supported. You put your own desires aside so that you don’t come across as “needy.”

You are often aware of how other people are feeling or anticipating how they might react to you
You are constantly monitoring other people to make sure they are OK. This can make you feel less present in the moment and out of touch with your own experience. You often worry about what others are thinking and feeling. 

It is difficult to assert your preferences
It’s easier to go with other people’s preferences than assert your own. You find that you go with the flow so that other people feel comfortable. 

If any of these tendencies resonate with you, I encourage you to read further about emotional neglect and/or seek out Gibson’s book. Keep track of your thoughts and feelings in a journal as you read. When you’re ready, bring your reflections to a therapist to explore further in a non-judgemental space. Remember, your lived experience is valuable! All parents have emotional blind spots. Exploring the impact of parental emotional maturity on your emotional life is a powerful way to gain more insight into yourself.