Is It Realistic to “Fight Fair” in Relationships?
Rachel Chada, MHC-LP
You and your partner stand across from each other in the metaphoric courtroom of your argument. You each present your case:
“You were pissed at me, so you said ____.”
“No, you are being too sensitive. I said ____.”
While your partner talks, you prepare your next retort. At this point, you’re not even listening; you're steaming from the ears at how wrong your partner is. You look desperately to the couples therapist—your judge and jury—to make a ruling. With all of the evidence provided, surely they see that you’re right.
That’s how a lot of my clients first enter couples therapy, thinking that I’ll provide some magic validation that will absolve them of all responsibility and hold their partner accountable. In most cases, that’s far from what happens.
It’s natural to have your defenses up when arguing with your partner. Often, we see a disagreement as a threat to our security, our autonomy, or even our own identity. The problem is, when defenses go up, empathy often goes out the window, and we’re just focused on proving our partner wrong.
Many couples therapists use a tool called a “fair fighting” agreement, which is intended to shift disagreements from debates to real conversations. For me, the word “fighting” already puts clients in the headspace of winners and losers. Even the idea of a fair fight doesn’t set you up for resolution. Instead, I opt to create a “collaborative agreement” with each relationship I work with to serve as a commitment to entering into a disagreement with empathy and respect. While each collaborative agreement looks different, they typically include the following ground rules:
Stay focused on one topic: avoid bringing up the past and work on discussing the present matter at hand.
Steer clear of declarative statements: “you always” and “you never” are more likely to propel you into debate territory.
Focus on the feelings: as cliché as it may sound, lead with how you’re feeling. It’s easier for your partner to get on the same page when they can understand what’s happening internally for you.
Take a break: sometimes, we’re too activated to have a productive conversation. Agree to pausing the conversation and communicate a time when you can return (in 30 minutes, in a few hours, etc.).
When communicating starts to feel more like you’re stepping back in the courtroom, that’s when it’s time to revisit this collaborative agreement and focus on understanding each other instead of proving your case. If you need an empathetic guide to improve communication and better understand your relationship dynamic, I’d love to work together.
Rachel Chada, MHC-LP is a psychotherapist for couples and individuals who is trained in providing support for all relationship structures and individual identities. Reach out here to book your free, 15-minute consultation.