Reclaiming Your Capital S-Self: The Journey of Individuation and Differentiation

Kat Williams, MHC

As a therapist based in New York City, I specialize in supporting clients who are healing from codependent patterns, guiding them toward a more authentic and grounded sense of self. Learning about the concepts of differentiation and individuation are especially meaningful to this therapeutic journey.

In simple terms, individuation is the process of separating from the collective influences around us—like our parents, societal expectations, and cultural norms—to become a unique, true-to-self individual. Carl Jung, the Swiss psychologist who coined the term, believed that the collective unconscious refers to the hidden, often unexamined parts of ourselves shaped by these external influences. These influences can include the “persona” we wear, the false identities the ego creates, and the unconscious impact of universal archetypes.

Individuation, according to Jung, isn’t a one-time event but a lifelong process towards self-actualization– to reach our full potential as humans. It’s a journey of shedding the layers of conditioning that have shaped us—such as beliefs, values, and self-concepts we’ve unconsciously adopted—and uncovering who we truly are at our core. It’s about moving beyond who we’ve been told to be, to discover and embrace who we really are.

This process of individuation directly connects with the concept of differentiation. Differentiation is the ability to define our own sense of self and clearly recognize where we end and others begin. It’s the capacity to maintain a strong sense of individuality, even in the presence of close relationships or social pressure. When our sense of self is poorly differentiated, we often depend heavily on others for validation and approval and we become quickly swayed. This can lead us to either constantly adjust our behavior, or hide our feelings, in an effort to please others and feel love and acceptance.

As children, when we are deeply enmeshed with our parents or caregivers, we often lack a clear, separate sense of self. We may unknowingly adopt their values, beliefs, and ways of thinking, which makes it difficult to distinguish what is truly ours from what we’ve absorbed from our family or culture. Whether this is their political views, religious beliefs, the material things they value, the body type they deem as desirable, the careers they think are acceptable for us, or the activities or sports we play. When we eventually leave home or enter adulthood, we can struggle to know which parts of our identity are truly us, and which are simply echoes of our upbringing and conditioning.

Ultimately, individuation and differentiation are about reclaiming ownership of our identity and learning to live authentically, separate from the expectations of others. This process can be emotionally challenging, as it often involves the discomfort of realizing we may disappoint others or “ruffle” feathers on the path to showing up more authentically. Developing distress tolerance—learning to sit with discomfort—becomes an important skill, as we navigate the emotional terrain of changing who we are in the eyes of others.

So, you might be wondering, how do I even begin this journey of individuating and differentiating, especially if I don’t fully know myself yet? The truth is, this process is a messy, ongoing journey. It’s by no means something you can check off in a few quick steps—sorry to those who love “instant results”! Individuation and differentiation require time, patience, and continuous self-reflection. It starts with self-exploration, which means returning to the basics: asking yourself who you truly are—your values, your desires, your beliefs—separate from the influences of others. To do this it’s about learning what feels right for you through “trying on” new ways of being, and unlearning what has been projected onto you by your family or culture.

A key part of this journey is setting boundaries. Healthy boundaries are essential for maintaining a sense of self in relationships—especially with family members or loved ones who may have shaped your identity in ways that no longer serve you. When learning to set boundaries, part of the work is developing the ability to tolerate the discomfort of guilt that may arise when you begin to show up differently. It’s about learning that it’s okay to feel like the "bad daughter," "bad son," "bad partner," or whatever label comes up when you make choices that prioritize your own authenticity over others’ expectations.

Another critical part of the process is learning to speak your needs. But before you can express your needs to others, you first need to get clear on what they are. This often means reflecting on times when you held back or silenced yourself to avoid conflict or to keep the peace. Understanding where you’ve muted or ignored your own voice is an important step in learning to speak up for yourself and honor your true desires.

Remember, individuation is a lifelong process. It unfolds over time as you grow, reflect, and peel back the layers of conditioning that have shaped you. It’s not always easy, and it may feel overwhelming at times, but it’s also deeply rewarding. As you embrace your individuality and cultivate your authentic self, you’ll move closer to living a life that’s truly your own—a life that reflects the fullness of who you are, not just who others have shaped you to be.