The Case for Couples Therapy

Lily Boyar, MHC

How do we navigate the complexities of relationships? It seems as though most of us are expected to know this intuitively. Our education is focused on subjects that will set us up for a career, however, the life skills needed to navigate relationships are often left out. Learning to express vulnerability, reflect on our emotions, take accountability, actively listen, manage conflict, problem solve, and find compromise with someone are essential skills for building healthy, enduring relationships. But, where do we learn these tools? 

According to Attachment Theory, infants build emotional bonds with their caregivers that shape and predict the way they behave in future relationships. This is an early, unconscious process that creates our template for achieving security, safety, and intimacy with others. In monogamous, romantic relationships, we take on the enormous task of partnering with someone (often who holds a different attachment style from our own) and we are expected to make a lifelong commitment to each other, without the tools that set us up for success.  

Lori Gorgleib, psychotherapist and author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone explains that we often come to therapy when we are having the “emotional equivalent of a heart attack.” We endure a lot of pain, confusion, and suffering before we ask for help, especially in couples. 

Part of this has to do with the stigma surrounding couples therapy. We often view it as a last-ditch effort for failing relationships. But couples therapy doesn’t have to be the “hail mary” before separation. Instead, it can be a support system for couples who want to strengthen their relationship and learn tools for deeper satisfaction. 

There are many misconceptions about how we should act in relationships as if there is a universal way to achieve success. Every Instagram account, TV show, movie, or magazine column has a different angle. But every couple is unique. Couples therapy is designed to be short-term work that helps couples learn their specific patterns and provides tools to help them nurture their relationship long-term. Our lives are often consumed by our day-to-day busyness and we don’t always make time for the intentional conversations that bring us closer. Couples therapy teaches couples to communicate more effectively leading to a deeper connection. It can be a place to practice skills, navigate difficult conversations, or make decisions together. 

When was the last time you checked in with your partner about how they’re feeling in the relationship? What are their current goals? Do they know your answers to these questions? Relationships are an ever-evolving organism that requires attention and care. What intentional practices or support might you need to deepen the relationship?