Using Repair to Slow Down Conflict

Valeria West, MHC-LP

Oftentimes when couples are trying to resolve a conflict they might feel very preoccupied with discussing all of the details about what occurred within it. They might go back and forth trying to remember exactly what was said, the tones that were used, messages that were implied, the context, etc. However, I may be equally as interested in hearing about, if not more interested in, the repair attempts that were made both during and after the conflict. Repair attempts are exactly what they sound like - any action or statement that aims to slow down interaction and repair a potential wound. The purpose of repairing “live” in conflict is to slow down the interaction, prevent the conversation from escalating, and acknowledge the mistakes that may have been made along the way. In fact, according to the world-renowned relationship and marriage researcher John Gottman, the repair is the secret weapon of healthy and emotionally intelligent couples. This is because when there are attempts to repair interactions that are going south, the chances of walking away feeling hurt or resentful decrease significantly. 

So, what can repair look like? Below is an extensive list of repair statements that can help you slow down, mend, or even restart interaction with your partner. However, the possibilities for repair are endless. How you repair may depend on your personality, your relationship, your needs, or what you know feels good and healing for your partner. A repair statement can be as serious as asking your partner to please find another way of giving you their feedback if it feels critical, as light-hearted as pausing mid-conversation to acknowledge the silly thing your pet is doing nearby, or as tender as placing your hand on your partner’s leg as you discuss something difficult. 

Repair attempts may not always be successful, but what is important is that you are open to trying and open to receiving them from your partner.