Don’t Talk Sh*t: Self-Esteem and Inner Talk

Ilana Pilcz, MHC

This week, I participated in a training called How to Stop Judging and Start Loving: Fundamental Lessons in Self-Esteem by the wonderful Terry Real. I was particularly excited about this training because nearly every (if not every) client I see wants to work on their self-esteem. Self-esteem concerns are truly ubiquitous. We tend to see ourselves as “not enough”, or “too much”, and have not yet developed a loving, accepting, gentle way of interacting with our own inner Self. Instead, our inner tone is often one of disdain in our most tender moments of vulnerability. As a recovering perfectionist myself, I have noticed the unreachable expectations I have set for myself and the harsh, and sometimes downright cruel, way I have talked to myself internally when I did not meet them. However, looking back, that harshness never really helped me to improve, and it definitely never made me feel any better about myself.

Then, on an innocuous Wednesday morning, I heard something that shook me to my core. Terry, with his gentle, melodious voice said, “There is no redeeming value in harshness. There is nothing that harshness does that loving firmness doesn’t do better.” Wow. Let’s look at that again, it’s just that good. “There is no redeeming value in harshness. There is nothing that harshness does that loving firmness doesn’t do better.” I thought of the ways my clients talk about, and to, themselves; of the way I have often talked to myself. I also thought about parenting and attachment, and the way harshness or loving firmness impact a developing child’s psyche. Both approaches may get the child to the same outcome, but which road builds them up and which tears them down? (Now, to be clear, there will be moments of harshness in parenting because we are all human and what is really vital is repair work, but that is another blog entirely…)

So, I offer you this, how can you speak to your inner Self, your inner child, as a loving and firm parent? What would it take to, over and over, choose love and tenderness over harshness? When you notice a harsh tone or an unkind word internally, can you take a breath and re-language it? As Terry says, there is “no redeeming value” in speaking to ourselves (and others) this way, so in the coming weeks, I challenge you to notice, to catch those moments of harshness, and try again, this time with loving firmness instead.