Co-parenting and Mental Health

Advanced Clinical Fellow Joyce Quitasol

Navigating a co-parenting relationship when the marital relationship ends

Co-parenting with an ex-partner comes with a unique set of challenges that can stretch the limits of your mental and emotional health. Building an effective, communicative relationship with your co-parent can feel impossible after the emotional toll of separation or divorce. As you navigate the process of establishing a path of well-being for your children during this transition, here are some ways to protect your mental health:

Process your emotions with someone safe
When there are negative emotions between co-parents, it can be difficult to know where and how to vent them. Many times, parents share criticisms or complaints about each other with their children especially when there are disparities in parenting styles. Venting these frustrations to your kids may model unhealthy ways of expressing anger and can hurt them and their relationship with either or both parents. Instead, process these valid emotions with a trusted friend or a therapist. There is loss and grief in this transition. Engaging in these painful emotions in safe spaces allows parents to be more present and engage with their children in more positive ways. 

Set clear boundaries
Personal boundaries are an important part of every relationship. As your relationships with your ex and with your children are shifting, you may need to reevaluate and firmly establish a new set of boundaries. Whether your child is going over one parent’s head to get permission from the other or your ex-partner is leaving you with more parental responsibilities than agreed to, focus on what works for you and your new concept of family. This may require more conversation and reinforcement with older kids and teenagers. Using parenting apps and digital co-parenting tools can be helpful in setting parental responsibilities. Setting these boundaries reduces resentment and nurtures compassion so you can build healthy patterns of relationships with your co-parent and your children.

Effective communication
When establishing healthy communication with an ex-partner, a mix of emotions can surface, clouding the purpose and goals of the exchange. Rather than rapidly responding to each email or text message, allow yourself time to process what is being asked of you, and what you require of your co-parent. Identify what is important for your children and what you need to be a present and supportive parent to them. It can feel shocking to transition from a romantically partnered relationship to one that feels business-like. Be compassionate with yourself as you navigate this shift and grow into this new facet of your identity.

Self-care
Whether you are co-parenting or parallel parenting, negotiating the care of your children with a co-parent is complex and highly stressful. You are making tough decisions that affect your future and your children’s future with a former partner. To ensure that you can focus on this task and meet the challenges to come, self-care remains a priority. Invest time in things and people you love so you can feel your best. Lean on your support or seek guidance from mental health resources like individual or family therapy. To combat the roller coaster of emotions that arise, engage in emotional regulation techniques or journaling exercises to allow you to acknowledge and experience all of your feelings.