The Shadow, Projection, and Giving Away Our Gold

Adrian Acevedo, MHC

What is a “shadow” and why do I have one?

Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung conceptualized “the shadow” as a hidden side of the self. The shadow is composed of aspects of an individual that are suppressed in order to maintain a positive outward persona. Human beings push into shadow parts of ourselves that have been disparaged, punished, or otherwise deemed unacceptable. Our shadows enable us to present what we perceive as our most acceptable selves to the world. In some key ways, our shadows serve as a survival mechanism as we exist in a community with one another. 

We begin to relegate aspects of ourselves into shadows in childhood. We seek to embody characteristics that are valued in our families and learn to hide traits that are criticized. Shadows are also developed in response to broader societal expectations around personality, communication, and behavior. Cultural norms around gender, race, age, and other facets of identity continually teach us how we are “supposed” to be. Everything outside of this is deemed shameful and therefore hidden. By doing so, we hope to control the ways others perceive us and avoid rejection and punishment. It’s important to note that the large majority of what exists in our individual shadows is not objectively problematic or dysfunctional, though we may characterize it as such. We may find ourselves suppressing…

…our needs for connection and emotional intimacy, if we have received the message that vulnerability is weakness, or that we are “too needy.”

…our sexuality and sensuality, if we were taught that they are shameful or need to be strictly controlled.

…our assertiveness, if we have been punished for challenging authority or asking for what we need/want.

…our anger, if we have received the message that anger is aggressive and unacceptable.

…our spontaneity and flexibility, if we were taught to prioritize our parents’ expectations and preserve “the plan” above all else.

…our support needs if we were told that independence and self-reliance are essential for securing respect from others.

What is the cost of maintaining my “shadow”? 

Fear and avoidance of shame are a part of being human, which is why it feels so natural to keep parts of ourselves hidden, even from ourselves. But what is lost in doing so? Many of us go through life striving for acceptability, at the expense of authenticity. We maintain our shadows and resist self-awareness as a matter of self-protection. We may, in turn, become more reliant on defense mechanisms like projection. Projecting our shadows onto others can lead us to unfairly criticize, resent, or feel threatened by people who seem to embody our own hidden “flaws.” Our lack of self-awareness shows up in our day-to-day lives, impeding our ability to be in healthy relationships and function well in the world.

Refusing to examine our shadow selves can also make it more difficult to access helpful traits and ways of being that we have repressed. As we grow up, we are exposed to a growing variety of responsibilities, big decisions, and complex relationships. We might find ourselves doing “what we always do” to keep our shadow secure, and feeling unsatisfied with the results. Have you ever concluded that you know exactly what you “should” do, but not believe you were capable of following through? Or perhaps you have deeply desired something that might bring you great joy, but have never given yourself permission to engage with it? You have probably realized that rigidity does not always serve you in challenging situations! In our shadows, there is much “gold” for us to channel for our own benefit if we are willing to bear the discomfort of making peace with our whole selves.

How do I know when I’m “giving away my gold”?

When we are unable to access the “gold” in our shadow, we can find ourselves projecting it onto others in the same way we project our perceived flaws. We might feel discomfort in claiming some of our positive qualities, but readily see them blossom in other people. Have you ever…

…attached wisdom, influence, and charisma to an authority figure in your family/social group/career field, and shied away from opportunities to be a leader yourself?

…ascribed softness, openness, and emotional intelligence to a romantic partner, and then over-relied on them to be vulnerable while you remain emotionally guarded?

…centered on the needs of others while avoiding meeting your own, and feeling resentful while doing so?

When you feel especially drawn to someone for their particular gifts and strengths, consider the possibility that the qualities you admire may very well exist within you. For complex reasons, they are hidden in your shadow. You are unwilling to own them, and so you seek out others who seem to embody them for you. Think of this as “giving away your gold.” Try and talk back to the inner voice that says you “could never be as brave/self-assured/joyful/successful/peaceful as _______” or the one that tells you “you just aren’t that kind of person.” By doing the difficult work of exploring your shadow, you can begin to practice claiming your inner “gold” and access valuable tools not just for social survival—but for a life of flourishing.