Grief and Narcissistic Parenting

Alex Mammadyarov, MHC

Narcissism is a major buzzword right now. We are hearing it more and more in popular culture and especially on social media. It is perhaps overused and likely misused in some cases, however, there has been some benefit in the therapy space.

People are hearing descriptions of behaviors they have witnessed and experienced for decades but did not have a name for. They may have believed they were the only ones to experience such parenting or even that the behavior is deemed acceptable. More and more, folks are coming to therapy and saying, “I think my mother/father is a narcissist”. 

Whether or not the parent meets the criteria for the diagnostic label of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, adults are certainly feeling the impact of relational trauma which aligns with elements of that set of beliefs and behaviors. So, what does narcissistic parenting look like? 

In parent-child relationships wherein the parent has narcissistic or self-focused features, the parent may have very big feelings which prevent their child’s emotional well-being from taking up any space. The parent may even shame their child for expressing emotions and certainly later on, for attempting to assert boundaries. Relatedly, the child may become “parentified”, being tasked with developmentally inappropriate caretaking. Other features of this dynamic can include favoritism and triangulation with siblings, as well as enmeshment resulting in the parent seeing their children as extensions of themselves and taking credit for their accomplishments. 

As adults, these children may struggle with attachment challenges, experience anxiety in relationships, and/or behave in an avoidant, isolating manner because they often had to problem-solve independently. Adult children of parents with narcissistic features also experience low self-esteem and codependency, having a difficult time identifying their own authentic thoughts and feelings, so accustomed to vigilantly scanning their environment for emotional survival. 

There are a few key elements of healing from narcissistic parenting, the first being identifying its existence and getting in touch with your true reactions and feelings, in order to begin fully owning your experience. Psychoeducation on the subject in your own therapy may be helpful with the former. Then, there are boundaries to be set. For some individuals, going no-contact feels necessary but this is not always the case. Instead, some people choose to set boundaries with their parents in order to preserve what they can of the relationship. 

This healing is not linear. You may identify narcissism in tic behaviors, experience anger, sadness, and self-compassion, set boundaries, experience guilt, cross your own boundaries and feel even worse. It can take many attempts along the journey to find your way.

What is sometimes overlooked in this process is the amount of grief to be sifted through. Adult children healing from narcissistic parenting can experience a deep sense of loss and longing for what they wish the relationship could be, who they wish their parent was, and the healing work they wish their parent would engage in, in order to show up differently. Acknowledging that it is not your job to ‘fix’ your parent and do the work for them can be all at once relieving and devastating. Adjusting your expectations may mean mourning. 

Like any grief work, it is often necessary to sit with the waves of emotion that arise and foster self-compassion through them. Inner-child work can be a nourishing addition here, as you meet the younger version of yourself, feel for them, understand the ways they coped, and decide for yourself if these strategies are still necessary or helpful to you anymore. 

If the dynamics described above sound familiar to you and things have never felt quite ‘right’ in your relationship with your parent or yourself, you may find it helpful to seek support. You deserve knowledgeable companioning in the process of examining what has been, how it is affecting you, and what you want for yourself going forward. Know that approaching your own healing with compassionate curiosity will provide a way through. Grief will likely be part of the process and that deserves to be seen, acknowledged, and held.