Listening to Caregivers' Emotions and Need

Rich Chen, MFT

“I take care of you, but who takes care of me?”

Giving care is generated by the love for our significant ones. Yet, it comes along with heaviness, burden, and even risk, especially when the caregiving relationship becomes skewed. Fostering the awareness of your needs and emotions could help prevent the relationship from burnout and resentment.

A repressed but loud whisper emerges in your mind when you take care of all the responsibilities as a caregiver. Paying bills, doing chores, cooking, feeding, and listening to the partner's distress from their medical conditions. The responsibility is usually assumed to be loaded on the non-disabled partner without any doubt or discussion. The assumption mutes the “recognized” caregiver’s voice immediately.

This scenario is not uncommon, whether your partner is suffering from mental or physical illnesses. Acquired illnesses and disabilities, such as stroke, cancer, cardiac diseases, neurological condition, chronic illnesses, and physical trauma impact not only the patients but also the caregivers. As a romantic partner has to put on his caregiver’s coat, we may notice the subtle and ongoing change in the relationship.

As a caregiver, expressing “I am tired” is like saying “Voldemort” in the Wizarding world. It may feel like the dementor of Guilt haunts you and consumes your quality of life. With the piling up chores and unprocessed pressure, the partner with medical conditions and the caregiving relationship become the easy targets to blame. However, blaming in turn exacerbates the guilt when you believe you should be the support for your partner. The recursive effect consciously or unconsciously devours the affection that connected you and your partner in the first place. The unhealthy places this pattern leads the relationship to are resentment, stonewalling, compromising, isolation, and codependency. 

The partner’s physical or mental conditions may last for life. Love, affection, and empathy for them may be the root you hold on to assist your partner. But the love and compassion for yourself is the nutrition sustaining your energy and preventing the root from withering. This is the question, “how can I cultivate self-compassion?”. Here are some tips to help guide your own self-care if you are in the position of caring for others.

Cultivating Self-compassion:

1. Self-care
   Take a pause and look for doable, small, and available self-care routines you can foster on daily basis, such as skin care, gardening, reading, painting, and so on.

2. Mindfulness activities
   Breathing is a simple but impactful mindfulness practice that you can try within a 5 or 10 minutes window. If you are having difficulty cultivating compassion for yourself, think of a supportive thing (a religious figure, a person, a place, etc) that can foster a feeling of compassion and hold you for a while. 

3. Psychotherapy
   Seeing a therapist is a self-care option that many people overlook. Whether it is an individual or couple session, therapy provides a safe space for caregivers to unload the unprocessed burden and psychological conflicts. 

4. Review your values and goals
   You may gradually put your values and goals aside when you are occupied with the caregiver’s responsibilities. These responsibilities numb your needs over time. Reviewing your values and goals can re-boost your self-image where you recognize you are more than a caregiver.

5. Create quality time with your partner
   Burnout in a caregiving relationship often occurs in doing repetitive daily tasks. Creating quality time with your partner enables both of you to break the exhausting and insipid interactional cycle. Invite your partner to brainstorm new activities that did not usually do in the past. New emotional experiences and insights may be brought to your awareness unexpectedly.

6. Gratitude Practice
   Expressing gratitude for yourself does not discount any of your contribution and industriousness. It helps you recognize small achievements in daily life, which is one of the most effective ways to grow our awareness. Understandably, you may be caught up with the caregiver role, but you deserve appreciation for whether you are being strong, vulnerable, responsible, or powerless.