What is self worth? And how do I know if I have it?
Alaina Malik, MHC-LP
The question is as old as time. Throughout the stages of life, most humans ask themselves during pivotal or challenging moments: What is my worth? And how do I know if what I think is true? Well, to know your worth starts with defining what worth is and where it comes from. Self-worth is one of those unicorn emotions that begins from within you, circles outward of your body through actions and gestures, and inevitably returns home to within. No one or thing outside of yourself can define your self-worth. They cannot take it away or encourage it. Your worth lives and breathes entirely within you. There are many of these ‘unicorn emotions’ that start and end from within you: love, fulfillment, and happiness are some. If it’s easier to understand that happiness comes within by recalling that happiness exists through the lens through which you view and interact with the world around you, then you can apply the same concept to understanding your self-worth. It’s a sense of being that is entirely your own. So now that we know where self-worth comes from, how do we define it? Self-worth is your deserve to be alive and to take up space. It is how you view your accomplishments in connection with your identity. It is not your self-confidence. It is not your self-esteem. It is not how you talk to yourself. Self-worth lies beneath all that. Self-worth lies within the cracks of truth that you may hide from your Ego or your projected self. It is where truth feels safe and scary because it's acknowledging and accepting who you are. The practice of defining your self-worth means watering within the crack to grow self-acceptance, self-compassion, self-awareness, and self-understanding. As I said, it comes from within and returns to within.
To define your self-worth answer the following questions for what feels true to you:
What are some fundamentals of life that you value?
Example: I value ‘love’, ‘playfulness’, and ‘friendship’
Do these things, that you value, hold the weight of structural bricks that make up your foundation? Explain it.
Example: I think so... Love is something that I feel consistently and I think I need it in order to live an authentic and fulfilling life. Playfulness is something that makes me feel most connected with my sense of freedom, and when I engage with playfulness I feel confident and powerful within myself. I believe I couldn’t live without friendship, because when I participate in my friendships I feel like I am supported by allowing others to help me when I need it. I also feel supported by my gut when I help my friends when they need it. Participating in friendship feels calming and safe to me through the feeling of support.
Getting grounded in the exploration of your foundational bricks helps understand what makes you feel proud of yourself. These are characteristics of yourself that no matter what you couldn’t shake, because no matter what you don’t want to shake it off.
Here’s the tough question:
Are you worthy of what you value? Do you believe deserve to feel the effects of what you value? Do you allow yourself to take up space in this world?
Example: Yes, I am worthy of love, playfulness, and friendship— said sheepishly.
If you’re not sure about the answer to Q3, then let’s work on integration. To say a statement like "I am worthy of love" can feel bold, but it can also feel empty or confusing. We recognise it’s a beautiful phrase and concept, but how do you embody such a statement? How do you know that it's true for you? For this, we bring in your whole body scan.
Checking in with your heart and your gut (your intuition): What does your body recognise as a true justification for the statement: “I am worthy of ___”? When you say the words aloud, where do you feel it? Does your heart quiver? Does it expand or open? Does your stomach tense or relax? Notice how your body experiences the statement each time you say it aloud. The reaction to the statement is how you know it’s true. If your heart, chest, stomach, or gut open - to become more comfortable, less tense, and more expanded, then your body finds safety within that statement regardless of what your ego or anxious thoughts think. Let's allow that feeling to be imprinted. Check-in once more: what does your body feel when you say “I am worthy of ___”?
Now that you have integrated the statement with your body, let’s bring your mind back into it. Because we want you to have the intellectual rationalisation behind your bold and beautiful statement of self-worth. We know what you value about yourself. We know what feels true and therefore is true. Now, let's intellectually answer, why do you know that what you feel you value is factual for you.
Answer the following question: Why are you ‘worthy’ of (insert value)? Ex: why am I worthy of love? What is the rationale for - why am I allowed to take up space in this world in order to embody and embrace my feeling of worth? We already know it’s true. You are worthy of your value. We’re not questioning ‘am I worthy’. Your body has already answered that you are worthy. So what is your answer for why?
Example: I am worthy of Love because I deeply respect the emotion and the experience of love when I see it around me. I appreciate and acknowledge the essence of love in relationships around me, movies, and media. I dream about love and give it time to breathe and flourish within me. I feel love even when love hurts me. I still want to feel love even when love really hurts me. I nurture Love by feeding it with my thoughts and dreams. Love is important to me as a core value because I couldn’t imagine life without the experience of love. This is what creates my deep respect for a feeling that I value, that I hold value in my life, and therefore, am worthy of its existence and space in my life. I accept all parts of love because inevitably it is something that is within me that I cannot shake away.
When we humble the ego to acknowledge our truth, even for a moment, we respect ourselves and allow our self-worth to shine. Your self-worth is your companion. It will help you navigate life; for when you start seeing your worth, you'll find it easier to welcome experiences that align with what makes you a unicorn - special and strong from within.