Lina Mafi, MHC-LP

Whether it stems from childhood trauma, deep-seated shame, or harmful family dynamics, low self-esteem can feel impossible to overcome. For many of us, it can be difficult to find compassion for ourselves. People struggling with low self-esteem often wonder how they can be kinder to themselves. In my professional experience, self-compassion is the key to overcoming a harsh inner critic and low self-esteem. However, consistent self-compassion takes lots of intentional practice. Here are some simple tools that can be useful in your journey towards increasing self-compassion. 

Swap Out Shaming and Compassionate Language 

Reframing how you speak to yourself and about yourself is critical to increasing self-compassion. Do you often talk to yourself with shaming language, like “You should have gotten a better grade” or “How could you say something stupid at work?” The first step on your self-compassion journey is to identify what shaming language you’re saying to yourself. 

Once you recognize this language, start replacing it with kinder, more compassionate language. Sometimes it can be helpful to  envision how you may talk to a loved one in a similar situation.

Here are some examples of shifting shaming language to compassionate language:

“You should have gotten a better grade”  →  “I’m proud of you for submitting that assignment.”

“How could you say something so stupid at work?”   →   “You shared your opinion at the meeting,  even though it was scary!”

Create Your Own Self-Compassion Ritual

I’ve found that creating your own, unique ritual can make self-compassion practice easier and more fun. While developing your own ritual is ultimately a highly personal process, here are some reflective questions to get you started.

1. What type of rituals are you most aligned with?

   Do you want to start with journaling? Does meditating with crystals do it for you? How about incorporating movement, like dancing or yoga? Whatever feels right for you, lean into it! 

2. What tools help you feel connected to yourself?

   Whether it’s a special journal, a favorite crystal, or an empowering Spotify playlist, make sure to include this in your ritual!

3. What compassionate energies can you draw on in your life now?

   Drawing on the loving energy of a pet, friend, or partner - whether through visualization or physical presence - can be a powerful tool to incorporate into a self-compassion ritual. 

4. What language fuels your self-compassion?

   Does a certain mantra help bring you into your body and feel love for yourself? What about a favorite quote? Having a loose script of compassionate things to say (out loud or in your head) may be an important part of your ritual. 

After reflecting on these questions, try putting some of these ideas into practice. Make note of what works for you, and change what doesn’t. 

Practice, Practice, Practice

The final key to living and breathing self-compassion is - you guessed it - practice. 

Quick reminder: avoid shaming yourself into practicing self-compassion. Instead of using shaming language  - “You have to be more compassionate to yourself, stupid” - replace it with gentle, compassionate language - “Remember how good it felt when you practiced compassionate language? Let’s try that again today!” 

Gently reminding yourself to engage in your own self-compassion practice is the single most important step to strive towards your wellness goals. And finally, remember the reason you’re practicing self-compassion in the first place: because you deserve it!