How Grief Impacts Our Social Spheres

Alex Mammadyarov, MHC

Grief is a full body, mind, and spirit process with a multidimensional impact on various aspects of our lives - socializing usually being no exception. The effects of grief intersect with our social habits in a number of ways, one being that we might simply have less energy to socialize with a lot of people. Our bodies are working overtime to keep us afloat, especially in the early days post-loss, and emotionally, we are probably feeling either numb or drained. It is completely understandable if under these circumstances, going to a large gathering is the last thing you want to do. Regardless of your usual social style, one-on-one hang outs might be the most activity you can handle. There’s nothing wrong with skipping the party, as you ease yourself through the early grief waves.

Exhaustion (and not to mention: brain fog) aside, another reason that socializing can become challenging after loss is a newly decreased capacity for small talk. When a loved one dies, at least for a time, this often becomes the focal point of our lives and the realization that the world keeps on turning can feel extremely jarring. It is absolutely “normal” to feel out of the loop on current events in your community or broader world. 

As your grief journey evolves, you may find it challenging to engage in small talk for new reasons. Loss can be wildly transformative and you may or may not find yourself with ample space to go deep and reflect on this immense shift while in community. In grief, you may learn who can and cannot fully witness you and your experience, given that everyone has their own unique reactions to the unfortunately taboo subjects of death and loss. This is where individual therapy, a bereavement group, or both can provide you with empathic and attuned support as you grieve the person you lost and also potentially grieve for what you may wish some of your living relationships could be. 

One other extremely common concern when it comes to socializing in grief is the prospect of having The Conversation - the one where dialogue with a new person leads you to potentially inform them that you recently lost a loved one. To the extent that you are able, you may find comfort in limiting your social life to the inner circle that is already holding this information. One day, when the loss feels somewhat less raw, you may feel that you have more capacity to navigate this tender sharing. 

While it may feel comforting to lean into familiar relationships when you are grieving, grief also has a tendency to impact our existing connections. Nothing instigates existential self-reflection quite like loss. Simply put, you deeply and intimately realize that life is short. After the death of a loved one, your self-concept, identity, or beliefs may be under reconstruction, which can be quite an undertaking to share with others, even those who know you well. This reflection can also, in part, look like reexamining your relationships and sometimes, noticing what maybe hasn’t been working in them. Perhaps you previously had underlying doubts about particular dynamics, tolerated certain behaviors that you no longer have the capacity to, or are realizing that you had trouble setting boundaries which are now imperative. 

If you found yourself relating to any of the above challenges, you are not alone. It is vital to not isolate in grief and instead lean into social support to whatever degree you feel able, slowly venturing back out into a world that may look and feel quite different now. If loss has illuminated challenges in your living relationships, take care to acknowledge this while pacing yourself in making changes, as you are likely already processing a whole lot. Individual and/or group-based therapeutic support can help you to gently uncover and work through those potential shifts. Do your best to show yourself grace and compassion through it all, over and over again.