Pursuer/Distancer Dynamic in Relationships: Coming to a Common Ground
Ingrid Camacho, MHC
Effective Communication is often considered to be a vital component of all relationships. Navigating conflicts can become challenging, especially when couples are impacted by things like disagreements, career transitions, child-rearing, and extended family dynamics. When these and other conflicts arise in a relationship, it can be hard to find a common ground for communication. Oftentimes, the pursuer/distancer dynamic can develop and create a space where both partners feel unheard and invalidated. Understanding the pursuer/distancer dynamic and learning how to navigate this together can help both partners come to a healthier common ground for communication.
Pursuer-Distancer Dynamic in Relationships
The first step in learning how to communicate effectively with your partner is to figure out who is the pursuer and who is the distancer. The pursuer is usually the partner in the relationship that wants to resolve conflict right away by immediately seeking an audience with their partner. The distancer is usually the partner who needs some space to process and feel safe before resolving a conflict.
Why is Understanding Pursuer-Distancer Important?
Figuring out who is the pursuer and who is the distancer in the relationship allows each partner to realize how their communication style is different from the other. Having this awareness can create a space where couples can learn what strategies the pair of them can use together so that their communication becomes more effective.
Ways the Pursuer and Distancer Can Come to a Common Ground
There is nothing wrong with being a pursuer or being a distancer - the goal is to come to a compromise, where both partners can talk about their differences without causing the other partner to feel unsafe, unheard, or invalidated. While one partner might want to talk right away after a conflict or an argument, the other partner might want to wait a few hours. Decide as a couple how long you feel is right to wait before speaking about the topic and then practice sticking to that time!
For example, if you decide on waiting an hour before talking it out, set a timer and when the timer goes off, come together and begin.
Here are some additional communication tips:
Use safe words!: If the way your partner is communicating with you hurts you or offends you, come up with a safe word to point this out in real-time. For example, you could say "ouch" to signal to them that they've said something that negatively impacted you. Partner, if you hear your partner say "ouch", pause and allow them the space to explain their feelings. Use this as an opportunity to apologize and learn more about your partner. Get creative and make up your own safe words that are unique to your relationship!
Practice getting to the point: Sometimes, we dance around the point we are trying to make. Practice being direct in your conversation - connect your own perspective of what happened with how this felt early on in the conversation. Give your partner time to process and respond. This way, the pair of you spend less time dancing and more time resolving.
Get intimate!: Yes, sex is important AND so are other forms of physical touch. After intense discussions, connect for 60 seconds using physical touch. You can hug, hold hands, lean on each other, or even sit closely together. Try not to fill this time with talking. Just focus on matching each other's breath and spirit in order to reconnect.
Consider Couples Therapy: Couples Therapy can represent the common ground many couples are looking for in order to better understand their partner, work on their trust for one another, and open their communication. Talk to your partner, research your options, and find a Couples Therapist that you feel will support the pair of you in resolving disagreements and deepening your relationship.