Self-Compassion When We Need It Most

Alana Barlia, LMHC

When I asked the people in my life what they would like to read on a Therapist’s blog right now, and as I sat staring blankly at the screen unmotivated, the unanimous answer seemed to be self-compassion in a state of total discouragement. It is April 2020 and New York City has been quarantined for over a month now. Every day is Groundhog Day. And yet we are expected to continue to participate in daily activities - working, exercise, Zoom social calls, friendships and relationships, balanced diets, self-care - all the while feeling uncertain about our futures and what this all means. This is overwhelming for the collective.   

You can push, shove, yell at yourself, pick yourself up, and beat yourself down, but if the body wants to rest, the body is going to rest. So here is a little word of advice: Self-Compassion. Forgive yourself for the days it feels hard. Forgive yourself for that missed Zoom call, that late email, that missed exercise, that family-sized bag of potato chips. Forgive yourself. 

 Here are a few ways to practice self-compassion during these difficult times: 

1. Meditate 

Meditation is the act of being in the here-and-now and non-judgmentally noticing your thoughts and emotions. Meditation is not about changing who you are or motivating yourself to move differently, it is simply about accepting you for you. Meditation can serve to help you gain perspective and awareness about yourself during this time. 

2. Get to Know Your Shadow

The Shadow refers to the unconscious aspects of the self. The ego is said to reject these parts of one’s self. The more the conscious mind rejects the shadow, the deeper and darker these parts become. Getting to know your shadow can help you to integrate it into the self, helping you to become more balanced and at peace. If the shadow is carrying anger, hurt, guilt, or shame, getting to know these aspects of the self can help you to more wholly cope with what is coming up for you during this crisis, leaving you feeling more at peace. 

3. Practice Gratitude 

In such precarious times, we may find ourselves ruminating on the negative aspects of our circumstances. We find ourselves dwelling on what has been taken from us, what makes us sad, what we don’t have, and what makes us angry. Practicing gratitude is about grounding ourselves through finding what we can be grateful for. This may be something we have been able to hold onto during this time, a person we are grateful to have in our life, a hobby we have picked up, physical or mental health, food in our refrigerator, a roof over our head, the air we breathe. 

4. Radical Acceptance  

Radical acceptance is wholly, truly accepting with your body, mind, and soul what your reality is. It is non-judgmentally acknowledging your reality for what it is. This is not saying “I’m okay with this” “This is fine” “I hate this” – it is deeply accepting reality as it is. Sometimes this simply means accepting, and continuing to accept, that you are not okay… and that is okay. 

Que Sera Sera - wishing everybody health and peace during this time!