Quarantining as a Couple, Part II: Coping & Sharing Space

Christie Kim, MHC

Social distancing, self-isolating, quarantine. For a few weeks now we, especially us New Yorkers, have been holed up at home in efforts to “flatten the curve” and do our part to mitigate the upheaval of the COVID-19 pandemic. Among the many and varied living arrangements taking place throughout our city, there’s a unique difficulty in navigating social distance while cohabitating with a partner or spouse.

First off, you and your partner may be experiencing the pandemic very differently. One of you may feel calm, cool, collected, while the other is experiencing a spike in anxiety, spiraling and catastrophizing. Maybe you disagree about how often to stock up on essentials, going to see friends or loved ones, or whether you plan to leave the house at all. You may also greatly differ on how much time you want to spend together, where one of you needs more alone time and the other prefers to socialize throughout the day. 

Even in solid, well-communicating relationships, spending every waking moment in the same space can be, at mildest, overwhelming and draining. Social distancing with a partner can turn up the heat on underlying or unresolved issues. Both common disagreements, like dividing housework, and deeper problems may feel as though they’ve been dropped into a pressure cooker, and suddenly there’s no easy way to blow off steam. Below are a few considerations for surviving and reconnecting with your partner 

Acknowledge how hard this is

Quarantine and isolation is a new experience of most of us, and you and your partner are taking on an extreme challenge together. It is a time of great uncertainty, anxiety, and stress. Conflict is natural and to be expected; how you work through conflict together is far more important than trying to avoid it entirely.  

You and your partner may want to have a signal or way of coming back together after a “blow-up” to remind yourselves that you’re a team, not enemies. Remember that, in one way or another, you’ve chosen to move through this pandemic together. Showing your partner an extra bit of patience and compassion -- especially when you might typically snap back -- will start to turn negative cycles into positive ones.

Talk about your needs, without expecting your partner to fulfill all of them

If you find yourself hitting daily, or hourly, snags or passive aggression with your partner, communication is needed. While it is so difficult for all of us, opening the floor for an honest dialogue will alleviate your stress now and into the future, no matter what day of quarantine you’re on. Prioritize curiosity over judgment and discuss what each of you need. Remember that even if your partner is superhuman, one person cannot be expected to fulfill all of our needs. Work together on where you can meet each other’s needs, and when your needs may need to get met elsewhere.

You may also want to hold “wellness check-ups” with your partner every now and then, even when everything seems to be fine enough. Brief check-ins can keep you both attuned to each other and can prevent small annoyances from building in bigger resentments down the line.

Helpful tip: It is important to not only express your needs, but express why. For example, “I don’t want to talk right now” might kick up defensiveness, but “I don’t want to talk right now, because I’m feeling overwhelmed and don’t know what to say” may give your partner more insight into what’s actually happening for you.

Structure is key

Structure is vital to coping in quarantine, both individually and in partnership. Tight quarters can leave little physical and emotional room to breathe during this time. It may be helpful to carve out different parts of the apartment for each of you to provide a sense of space (even if it’s only an illusion). 

Helpful tip: This may also include when each of you have conference calls. If you’re balancing busy work schedules, aim to talk with your partner about your respective schedules for the next day and work in advance to coordinate when you’ll be on a call. It may also be helpful to think of a signal for when you’re on the phone or a video (e.g., sign on the door, raise a flag, etc.) to minimize interruptions and miscommunications. 

Structure around time together and time apart is just as important. For example, you may need to be connected and are used to chatting with friends and coworkers throughout the day while your partner prefers to recharge alone. You might agree to spend the first half of the day in separate rooms or activities, and plan to come together recharged in the afternoon. Consider planning virtual dates and group video calls to get your social needs met, and prioritize quality over quantity of time engaging with your partner. Creating and sticking to routines will help break up the day into different mental and emotional headspaces. 

Agree to [accept when you] disagree

Making decisions is that much more heightened during a prolonged crisis, and you may be learning how different you and your partner are about finances, healthcare, social distancing, etc. For example, you may choose to read the news and engage on social media throughout the day to stay informed and connected, and your partner may choose to disengage entirely. Or you may feel it is crucial to be home and not leave the house unless absolutely necessary, and your partner may need a daily walk around the block.

We can do our best to express our opinions and concerns for our loved ones, but your partner may still make different decisions than you and that’s okay. It is important to allow space for your upset or frustration, and also accept that they are doing what feels best for them. Try to hold onto the idea that we are all doing our best to care for ourselves.

Is it them or me?

If you need space and alone time and start to feel irritated by even kind comments from your partner -- it may be more that you need space than they’re being annoying. Try to think of your feelings from the “I” perspective, rather than using “you.” Rather than: you’re being annoying (or selfish, or loud) -- Try reframing it to: I need some time in the other room. I need some quiet. I’m feeling irritable so I might need (fill in the blank). Be kind to yourself and to your partner by tapping into what you really need, rather than what they’re doing wrong.

If you feel like problems or communication with your partner are becoming too big to handle on your own, couples therapy can be a safe, neutral space to work through issues together. As an EFT-trained therapist, I provide virtual therapy sessions for couples and individuals through the COVID-19 pandemic. Please feel free to reach out to christie@intuitivehealingnyc.com if you need support.