Understanding Intimate Partner Violence Part II: Disrupting the Cycle of Abuse
Astrid Burke, MHC
Now that we’re able to recognize the signs of abuse in a relationship, a question that often comes up is, “Why would someone stay with an abusive person?” One piece of tackling this question involves understanding that abuse is cyclical. The abuser is not always violent or abusive, nor is the abuse being inflicted at seemingly random times. Dr. Lenore Walker was one of the first psychologists to identify IPV as a cycle that reinforces a false sense of love and wrongly convinces the victim that if only they were different, the abuse could be avoided.
Honeymoon Phase
This phase is how the relationship often starts. It’s important to remember that abusers are master manipulators. They are able to create a false sense of safety, security, and love. The abuser will often behave in ways they know their partner is going to appreciate and desire. Their partner is likely to feel attached to the abuser and believe that they are capable of being a kind and loving partner.
Tension-Building Phase
During this second phase, the person who is experiencing the abuse becomes aware of tension increasing in the relationship. The abuser may become easily irritated, jealous, angry, or self-righteous. They may give their partner the “silent treatment,” become more withdrawn or more critical of their partner. If the abuser has a substance addiction, their use likely increases during this phase. For the partner experiencing the abuse, this can result in them feeling fearful, embarrassed or humiliated, angry, or like they are walking on eggshells around their partner. The abused partner may believe that they can diffuse the tension by behaving in a way that they hope will keep their partner “in a good mood.” They may be even more nurturing, or try to verbally communicate to their partner how they are feeling. If the abused partner uses substances, they may also increase their use of drugs and alcohol in an effort to cope with their experience of this tension and the exhaustion involved in dancing around what feels like a ticking time-bomb.
Explosive Phase
This tension escalates until reaching an explosive phase, also referred to as the “acute” or “crisis” phase. During this time, whether verbal, emotional, physical, sexual, or otherwise, the abuser engages in heightened abusive behavior. Their intention during this phase is to deliberately cause harm to their partner. They may feel outraged, angry, jealous, or self-righteous, among other feelings that reinforce their belief that they deserve power and control over their partner. During the explosive phase, the abuser also blames their behaviors on their survivor: “If you had done this differently, then I wouldn’t have to react in this way.” For the abused partner, this phase can be terrifying. They are likely to feel trapped, helpless, frightened, or experience dissociation, a sense of numbness. It is typically during or immediately following the explosive phase that survivors seek help.
Return to the Honeymoon Phase
After the explosive phase, the abuser tries to appear to be the person their partner fell in love with. This phase, sometimes viewed as it’s own fourth “Reconciliation Phase,” is characterized by apologies and empty promises on the part of the abuser. This may look like gift-giving, promises to end substance use, seek counseling, promises that a “fight” will never happen again. This is an important time to take a closer look at what is actually happening with the abusive partner. While they may believe themselves to be truly remorseful, they are often still not willing to fully admit their sole responsibility in the abuse, empathize and understand the degree of pain they have caused, or believe their victims to be blameless.
It is crucial, and often very painful, to understand that the honeymoon phase is not an indication that the abuse is over. It is simply another phase in the cycle of abuse. Inevitably, and at the abuser’s discretion, another conflict arises. Perhaps they don’t approve of what you’re wearing, who you’re spending time with, or what your tone was when they asked you a question. Whatever the case may be, this arbitrary decision on the abuser’s part then creates an excuse for them to build tension in the relationship and repeat the cycle again. Overtime, this cycle typically becomes more severe and more frequent, with the honeymoon phase becoming shorter and shorter until it eventually disappears entirely.
Resources
Wherever you find yourself in the cycle, you deserve support. Below are the resources mentioned in Part I of this blog series and, of course, please feel free to reach out to me directly if you’re interested in exploring therapeutic support around your trauma.
If you are a survivor in NYC:
NYC Gay and Lesbian Anti-Violence Project
www.avp.org, 212-714-1141
Safe Horizon
www.safehorizon.org, 800-621-HOPE (4673)
If you are a survivor outside of NYC:
National Domestic Violence Hotline
www.thehotline.org, 800-799-7233, 800-787-3224 (for the hearing impaired)
If you believe you are abusive towards your partner and are seeking guidance in understanding and changing your own behaviors:
Urban Resource Institute (URI)
Ask about their Abusive Partner Intervention Program (APIP)
https://urinyc.org/program/apip/
If you are in immediate danger, call 911.