Narcissistic Parenting and the Cycle of Abuse: Part I
Alana Barlia, LMHC
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is characterized by dramatic, emotional, or erratic thoughts and behaviors. More specifically, NPD is a set of thoughts and behaviors based upon an inflated sense of self, grandiose thoughts of self, sense of entitlement, and lack of empathy. This leads individuals with NPD to:
Seek excessive amounts of admiration
Portray egotistical behaviors
Crave power and control
Desire entitlements and special treatment
Be oppressive toward others.
Narcissistic parenting is when a narcissist focuses their lack of empathy and grandiosity toward their child. Narcissistic parents often view their child as an extension of the self, and therefor see the child as existing solely for their own selfish needs. Narcissistic parenting can look a number of ways - including lack of empathy and narcissistic rage, unpredictable and chaotic moods, pigeon-holing and being overly critical, financial manipulation and abuse, grandiosity, and living vicarious through their child.
With young children, the narcissistic parent is perceived as unpredictable, angry, or scary. Because of this unpredictability and chaos, the child will often try to mitigate the narcissistic parent’s inconsistent and unstable mood states. This often looks like codependency, compliance, perfectionism, and manipulation. But unfortunately, try as they may to track the moods and the crises, one thing will always become clear – the child is powerless to the unpredictability. This can lead to deep-rooted resentment and shame and further mental health concerns.
I have outlined below what I perceive to be the cycle of narcissistic-parent abuse, and what each of these stages may look like:
1. Unstable mood states, invalidating environments
The ‘unstable mood state’ stage is one that any child of a narcissist is familiar with. This can look like passive-aggressive criticism, crude comments, and gas-lighting and manipulation. It can just as often look like narcissistic rage compounded with yelling/screaming/hitting and degrading. In this stage, the child will feel helpless, scared, and isolated. They also may begin to question themselves and their reality.
2. Unfounded criticism
During these unstable moods and chaotic episodes, the narcissistic parent will make the environment feel unsafe through manipulation and criticism (“you’re so stupid, why can’t you do anything right?”), often blaming the child in order to externalize their own pain. The child will not feel loved or attached to the parent, and will further question themselves and their reality.
3. Internalized shame
The invalidating environment and unpredictability often leads the child to internalize the shame of not being good enough in the eye of the narcissistic parent. And although angry at the parent, the child will turn inward and blame the self for not being able to stabilize the chaos and live up to their parent’s unattainable expectations. This leads to further questioning of their own experiences and reality. Statements or thoughts such as, “I’m so stupid” “I can’t do anything right”, “I should have seen that coming”, “I’m terrible”, “I’m bad”, are common thoughts for children of narcissistic parents.
4. Confusion and self-betrayal
The child has now learned that they do not know ‘good from bad’, and therefor they cannot regulate or control their emotions or emotional responses. This often leads to self-betrayal of multiple kinds – not knowing who they are, what their needs are, or what their wants/desires are. In this stage, it is not uncommon to see depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and identity crises develop. This can lead to self-harm behaviors or violent behaviors toward others. You may find the child exerting control in friendships/in extracurricular activities due to an internalized feeling of helplessness. You may just as often find the child withdrawn and isolated, afraid to engage in interpersonal relationships.
6. Compliance and codependency
Through a hijacked nervous system and a need to stabilize the chaos often comes a form of perfectionism: compliance and codependency. Often times the child has learned through trial and error ways in which they can avoid explosions and criticism. They have learned that straight A’s or high achievement in extracurricular activities or having a perfectly kempt bedroom, for example, will gain them high approval and less criticism. Therefor they may begin to participate ‘perfectly’ in their life, often losing an authentic sense of self. The child may seem high functioning externally, but may still be engaging in self-destructive behavior silently.
7. Temporary or empty praise
Through this compliance, the child will earn temporary or empty praise from the narcissistic parent. This looks like positive affirmation about performance and conditional praises of love. The child may feel that they may have learned how to temper the parent’s mood states, and may feel hopeful in their abilities to keep this level of control in the relationship.
8. Unstable mood states, invalidating environments
The narcissistic parent’s unstable mood will cycle back, restarting the cycle of abuse. The child will further learn not to trust themselves, leading often to further shame, depression, and anxiety.
If this cycle feels familiar to you, stay tuned for Part II of this post, which will delve into the inner-child wound and how to protect yourself. For more information on narcissistic-parent abuse, please reach out for a consultation at Therapywithab.com.