Building Intimacy with Money
Christie Kim, LMHC
Money is hard. The pandemic has panned through our ‘normal’ lives to unearth the critical aspects of our relationships and feelings with money. Many have been devastated by lay-offs, furloughs, uncertain unemployment benefits, medical bills and moves over the past several months. And phrases such as emergency funds, temporary relief, and loan suspensions, have made our deeper fears around money more explicit.
Money talk is unavoidable. Those of us based in New York City are all too familiar with the collective complaints of high rent and cost of living as dreams of owning a home float off into the distance. Some of us might even have moved out of the city for these reasons. We know and talk about money all the time --
I should have a budget, but I honestly can’t look at my checking account right now.
I work hard, I deserve to order takeout and get new shoes.
I’ll be paying student loans until I die.
Let’s go out, I just got paid!
And many of us may have a sense of how we relate to money --
As a child of immigrants, being ‘successful’ and buying a house is everything.
I work hard because I never want to come home to an eviction notice like I did as a child.
My parents made and lost tons of money growing up, now I just want security for retirement.
But many of us haven’t explored our money story, which explores how our beliefs, feelings, and experiences around money impact our views about the world and ourselves. It’s more than our spending habits and negotiating salary; money informs our financial reality. Money relates to our self-worth, core values, security, fears, control, independence, freedom.
One of the most challenging aspects of money is simply facing it. We may be blocked by the fear of getting intimate with our finances. We’d rather look the other way and keep it moving. Yet the pandemic has led us to face our financial fears, budget for our most essential needs, or feel grateful for our money in more ways than ever before.
Regardless of where you are with money right now, exploring your money story is essential to personal and therapeutic growth.
Where we spend our money reveals our true values. You may be working towards a financial goal (e.g., investing in therapy, paying off debt, living without roommates, etc.), but a real look at your receipts shows your money going to food delivery, a subscription service you never use, or spending money you don’t have. It may also reveal patterns of people-pleasing, impulsivity, or struggling to advocate for yourself at work, among other stories.
Below are several prompts to begin exploring your money story. Carving out time and space to reflect on these questions--through journaling, meditation, talking with a close friend--can help build intimacy and awareness in your relationship with money. And knowing your money story empowers you to re-write it, to take authorship of your financial life moving forward.
Family Money
What’s my earliest memory about money?
How was money talked about in my home growing up? How did the adults in the house look and feel when money came up?
What were the common beliefs and messages about money (around spending, saving, giving back, etc.)?
How did I feel asking for something I wanted as a kid?
What does money look like across previous generations in my family?
What does money look like for my parents and siblings now?
Building Intimacy
How do I feel about money? Do feelings of guilt, selfishness, shame come up?
Does my money provide for my life and my values?
What do I believe about my financial future and building wealth?
What story do I have in my head about people who make money, build wealth?
What money story do I have in my head about people who look like me?
Do I make comparisons between myself and others?
How is my money story impacting my life now? How is it helping? How is it hurting?
Take Authorship of Your Story
What are my core values for your life moving forward?
What do I want my money story to be instead? How do I want to think and feel about money moving forward?
How far away is my current financial reality from my values?
What are the barriers to making my financial goals a reality?
What emotional and actionable steps do I need to take? (e.g., therapy, financial coaching, tough conversations with your partner, etc.)