“We Did It, It’s Over”: Moving on After a Breakup
Kimmy Wu, MHC
Every couple’s therapist has experienced this… Despite our best efforts, a couple we’ve worked with for months, or even years, comes into therapy one day and announces the end of their relationship.
What Couples Therapy Is and Isn’t
At the beginning of a couple’s therapeutic journey, therapists typically get to know each individual, gather information about the relationship’s history, and then discuss the relationship goals a couple hopes to achieve in therapy. Usually, to no one’s surprise, the goals center around helping the couple figure out how to stay together, regardless of where the relationship stands at the moment—as some do not seek therapy until they find themselves in crisis, and some proactively seek support as a means to prevent conflict.
I have been asked many versions of the question, “Will couples therapy break us up?” and in typical therapist fashion, my answer was always, “It depends.” Relationship therapy can lead to many different outcomes, depending on various factors. Regardless of the therapeutic goals clients come in with, I make it clear that couple’s therapy isn’t about picking sides or forming alliances; rather, it is about helping clients acknowledge that even the most “in-love” people can act in unloving ways, and to learn to ride through the ebb and flow together as a team. In fact, I view my role as someone who helps couples face their challenges together and creates a safe space to reinforce honesty and clarity. Relationship therapy doesn’t guarantee a long-lasting relationship, and whether a couple stays together is entirely up to the partners.
Reaching the End… Now What?
As a witness to the difficult work that often takes place in relationship therapy, learning that the final destination of my journey with a couple ends with a split usually comes with a sense of grief and disappointment—whether or not I secretly root for the couple; and oftentimes, these feelings deeply resonate with the clients. With that, if you tried your best in relationship therapy and still found yourselves at the end of the chapter of your story with one another, here’s a proposed roadmap to consider as you learn from your experience and move onwards (with or without an individual therapist):
Give yourself the time and space to understand your experience and process your emotions. Whether mutual or not, breakups can be difficult or painful experiences for both parties. Understanding the complexity of your relationship and why it ended will take time and effort. It is okay to take it one day at a time and to remember that your pain, loss, guilt, sadness, anger, bitterness, and helplessness are valid and normal.
Try not to internalize the breakup. Breaking up despite working hard in couples therapy can feel like a personal failure. While you are accountable for the parts you played in your breakup, in relationships, all partners share the responsibility of honestly communicating with one another and actively choosing to work together to uphold the integrity of the relationship. You are not any less worthy or lovable because your relationship has ended!
Consider what it might look like to honor the positive memories and experiences you gained from your relationship. While it might be painful to think about this, it can be incredibly powerful and healing to think back at the moments that made your relationship worthwhile. During breakups, negativity can consume you and make you forget why you chose to fight through all the pain and conflicts in the first place.
Be honest with yourself. Thinking about the positive aspects of your relationship may bring up positive feelings. However, if you find yourself feeling caught up with nostalgia, it is crucial to be honest with yourself about the relationship. Yes, special moments and beautiful connections were shared, but the relationship ended for a reason. Radically accepting the relationship for what it once was, with all the good and bad, is an important step in moving on.
Focus on cultivating a positive relationship with yourself. Readjusting to life without someone you love can be challenging. No matter how long you have been with your previous partner, it can feel like a big part of your life is missing. However distressing this time is for you, try to find it in yourself to look at this transition as an opportunity for you to put all the time, energy, attention, and love that you once put into your relationship with a partner into a relationship with yourself instead. Explore your inner world, unpack any relational patterns that continue to play out with all your relationships, address any feelings of unworthiness, and rekindle some of the hopes and dreams you might have put aside for your relationship. Now is the time to give yourself the love, gentleness, and compassion you may or may not have shown to and received from your partner. Ask yourself, what small and big acts of loving kindness are you willing and able to gift yourself in the process of moving forward?
Redefine what it means to be hopeful and open to new possibilities. Breakups can generate an acute sense of ambiguity and uncertainty about the future. The excruciating discomfort you’re experiencing will leave you feeling fragile and maybe even disappointed in love for a while. However, as you move forward in your journey of healing, remind yourself that although falling in love is a risk; trusting and loving someone deeply and giving yourself fully is a beautiful part of the human experience.
Even though your journey may have left you scarred, your strength, tenacity, and resilience have brought you through all the painful moments up to this point. Trust that they will continue to carry you through all other challenging moments for the rest of your life. Breaking up with a loved one is often not an easy decision nor a pleasant transition to tread alone—it is okay to ask for help from your community. If extra support is needed, consider reaching out to a therapist.
P.S. If this article resonates with you, schedule a consultation with me today—let’s chat!