Coping with Infidelity: A Road to Healing
Ayaka Omoto, MHC
Infidelity in a relationship can be a deeply wounding and traumatic experience, and the resulting rupture can shake even the strongest relationships to their core. When one partner strays, the other is left grappling with a torrent of emotions, from searing anger to profound sadness. Coping with the aftermath of infidelity requires a tremendous amount of patience, self-compassion, and a commitment to healing.
What is infidelity?
Infidelity can take multiple forms, with the two most common being sexual and emotional affairs.
A sexual affair involves physical intimacy with someone outside the committed relationship, while an emotional affair may involve a deep, romantic connection without physical intimacy but with significant emotional investment and often secrecy, leading to a sense of betrayal that is just as profound.
How is infidelity connected to trauma?
The symptoms of being cheated on often resemble those of trauma. Victims may experience shock, confusion, intense emotional distress, anxiety, depression, and a profound sense of loss. Discovering an affair shatters the belief in mutual exclusivity and can trigger a traumatic stress response, including obsessive thoughts about the affair, hyper-vigilance regarding the partner’s actions, emotional numbness, and physical symptoms like insomnia or loss of appetite. Recognizing these symptoms as trauma is crucial to healing, as it reframes the recovery process as one that requires significant emotional care and support.
How is couples therapy helpful?
A trained couples therapist will provide a structured environment where both partners can express their feelings safely and begin to understand the underlying issues that led to the affair. Effective therapy guides a couple through the necessary stages of healing: acknowledging the hurt, establishing accountability, addressing the underlying issues at hand, and gradually rebuilding trust.
Did I cause my partner to cheat on me?
It's important to recognize that the problems existing within a relationship didn't directly cause the infidelity. However, addressing these underlying issues is crucial for fostering a healthier dynamic moving forward. While infidelity often stems from individual choices and behaviors, unresolved conflicts or unmet needs in the relationship can create vulnerabilities that contribute to the breakdown of trust and intimacy. Therefore, while the focus should be on healing from the betrayal and rebuilding trust, it's equally essential to address and work through any underlying issues within the relationship to prevent similar challenges from arising in the future. By identifying and addressing these issues collaboratively, couples can strengthen their bond and create a more resilient foundation for their relationship.
I didn’t ask to be cheated on. Why should I put in all this work?
It's absolutely valid to feel anger when faced with the reality of having to put in significant effort to cope and heal after their partner's infidelity. This anger may stem from the deep sense of betrayal and hurt inflicted upon them without their consent. You didn't ask to be traumatized by your partner's actions, yet now you find yourself grappling with the emotional aftermath, struggling to rebuild trust and navigate the complexities of healing.
However, despite the understandable reluctance and anger, taking steps to heal (whenever you are ready to, of course) remains crucial for one’s own well-being and future happiness. By actively engaging in the healing process, individuals can reclaim their sense of control and work towards rebuilding a fulfilling life, whether within the relationship or on their own.
How do I cope - and ultimately heal?
In addition to couples therapy, there are several steps you can take to cope with this profound loss and move toward a place of healing:
Self-Care: Prioritizing your well-being is crucial during this time. Engage in activities that you KNOW will help you feel better, such as working out, getting that spa treatment you’ve pushed off, meditating, journaling, or simply taking a walk outside.
Support Systems: Lean on friends and family who are willing to listen to you and provide emotional support. Sharing your feelings with the right person outside the relationship can offer new perspectives and emotional relief.
Setting Boundaries: Define what you need from your partner and the relationship moving forward. Boundaries are not just about creating physical space but also about protecting your peace. Enforcing healthy boundaries is vital for fostering safety and trust within the relationship.
Educating Yourself: Understanding the dynamics of infidelity and its psychological impacts can sometimes be immensely helpful. I highly recommend reading Esther Perel’s The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity - it provides profound insights into the complexities of infidelity, making it an invaluable resource for anyone navigating the aftermath of an affair.
Individual Therapy: It’s often common for betrayal to trigger past traumas or personal insecurities. Reserving some time weekly to work on yourself and process difficult emotions together with an individual therapist can be a healing and self-nurturing experience.
Give Yourself Time!: Healing from infidelity doesn't follow a strict, linear timeline. There may be days you feel lighter, and days you feel like you’re back to square one. Try to foster some self-compassion during these tough times, and allow yourself the time to grieve and heal.
Recovering from infidelity is undeniably challenging but not impossible. With the right support, both partners can often emerge from the experience understanding themselves and each other better, potentially forging a stronger, more honest relationship. Whether you choose to stay together or part ways, healing is about growing stronger within yourself and reclaiming your happiness and peace.