“Why Can’t They Just Say Sorry?”: The Power of Apologies in Relationships
Kimmy Wu, MHC, MA
“Why is it so hard for my partner to just say sorry? It would make me feel better, and then we can finally move on from arguing about this!”
“What is the point of apologizing? Shouldn’t it be enough if I do something to make up for it?”
“I said I’m sorry, but they still won’t accept it. I don’t know what to do anymore.”
As a relationship therapist, I often help clients work on repairing the ruptures that inevitably occur in relationships. While apologies are not always required in conflict resolution, they are powerful tools for connection, healing, and reconciliation.
Apologies can have a profound impact on relationships in all settings. Here are some reasons why they are important:
Repairing Relationships: Heartfelt apologies show your willingness to take responsibility for your actions and that you value the relationship. It can mend broken bonds and rebuild trust.
Setting a Positive Example: Apologizing when you’ve made a mistake helps model healthy conflict resolution skills, showing others what accountability and reconciliation can look like.
Demonstrating Maturity & Vulnerability: Apologizing requires courage, humility, and the capacity for self-reflection. Embodying these qualities is a sign of maturity, which is required to maintain healthy relationships.
Creating Space of Healing: Genuine apologies can validate the hurt that’s felt by the injured party, which can help them move on and begin to heal.
Hopefully, you are convinced that apologies are essential at this point. But have you ever thought about what makes an effective apology? Here are some tips for how to apologize:
Acknowledge Your Wrongdoing/Mistake: Clearly state what you did wrong and avoid making excuses to take responsibility for your actions. (Ex: “I’m sorry for [what you did wrong], it was my fault.)
Listen actively: Pay attention to the concerns of the hurt party and validate their feelings (Ex: “I hear that my action deeply impacted you; your feelings are so valid.”)
Express Empathy & Remorse: Show that you understand the impact of your actions on the other person. (Ex: “I know it was wrong, and you must be feeling [educated guesses about how they might be feeling] because of it. I truly regret it.”)
Show Accountability: Avoid shifting the blame or making excuses for your behavior, and offer a plan of action to help you change your hurtful actions. (Ex: “I take full responsibility for [what you did wrong]. There's no excuse for my behavior. I will be more mindful in the future and avoid making the same mistake by [plan of action for change].”)
Offer to Make Amends: If possible, suggest ways to make things right. (Ex: “I’m willing to do what it takes to show you I’m serious. How can I make it up to you?”)
Be Patient: The hurt party is entitled to extra time and space. It may take time for them to accept your apology. (Ex: “I totally understand if you need some time and space to process your thoughts and feelings. Let me know how I can support you and when you would like to talk to me about this again.”)
Still finding it difficult to say the words “I’m sorry”? There are several common reasons why apologies can be difficult for you.
Fear of Vulnerability: Apologies are sometimes seen as signs of weakness or defeat. For some, apologizing involves admitting vulnerability and opening up to potential judgment and rejection, which can be scary.
Difficulty Recognizing Wrongdoing: In some cases, people may genuinely believe that they are not at fault.
Pride & Ego: Admitting fault and mistakes can feel like a personal attack on one’s self-worth, as genuine apologies require one to let go of pride and acknowledge the impact of one's wrongdoing.
Past Negative Experiences: Some may hesitate to apologize because of past experiences where their apologies were met with hostility or rejection.
While these difficulties are human and valid, it is crucial that we take the time to understand these obstacles so that we have the ability to take accountability and repair the ruptures in relationships that are important to us.
If you might find professional support helpful, schedule a consultation with me today—let’s chat!