Kimmy Wu, MHC, MA

In a recent conversation, a friend and I had a long discussion about the concept of Love—the intense, coveted, and passionate feeling of attraction, yearning, arousal, fun, infatuation, and desire. The excitement of mutual discovery, the wonder of exploring your fantasies, and the rush from the anticipation of what possibilities your union with the person in front of you brings an incredibly intoxicating experience. While there is nothing inherently wrong with enjoying the delight and pleasure love has to offer, as humans are naturally wired to enjoy these feelings, love, in excess, can still be harmful. 

What is “Love Addiction”? 

Love addiction is a phenomena (not a diagnosis) that describes a compulsive longing for admiration, attention, and affection from others, where an individual develops an unhealthy and obsessive dependence on their love interest. It involves excessive attempts to chase the feelings of euphoria and bliss that come from romantic connections and love interests, regardless of their availability or suitability. It can manifest as problematic sets of behaviors informed by the preoccupation of being in love, which can lead to harmful and unwanted consequences. 

Like substance abuse and addiction, love addicts can experience similar symptoms, such as emotional dependency, mood swings, cravings, compulsions, emotional turmoil, obsessions, and a loss of control. While there isn’t clear evidence of causation, there are strong correlations between love addiction and childhood trauma, neglect, low self-esteem/self-worth, relationship trauma, emotional and sexual abuse, abandonment, and a lack of self-love and self-respect. 

How Does Love Addiction Affect You?

Some negative consequences and thrill-seeking behavior patterns of love addiction can look like: 

• Overshadowed sense of self & intrusive thoughts. You find yourself preoccupied and obsessed with your love interest or the concept of love in general. This can become problematic as it can negatively disrupt other areas of your life, such as your health, sleep, other relationships, responsibilities, etc. 

• Loss of self-esteem when relationships fail. You identify partners and love interests as sources of self-worth, therefore feeling a greater loss than someone with a more independent sense of self-worth when relationships end. 

• Codependency & separation anxiety. You spiral into a place of withdrawal and rumination when your partner or love interest is perceived to be distant or when you feel rejected (even when your partner or love interest may not have displayed signs of rejection or disengagement). You might also tend to blame yourself or disproportionately ruminate about any potential wrongdoing. 

• Stay in relationships that have run their course. You have an unhealthy attachment to a “serious” partner or relationship. You may be acutely aware that your relationship is no longer working, yet you hold onto the relationship even though it is no longer serving you and may even be harming you. 

• Vulnerable to being love-bombed. You notice a relational pattern of attracting abusive or narcissistic partners/love interests because you make the perfect victim for their tendency to love-bomb. Your incessant need for love, admiration, and validation leads you to grasp any shred of affection you can get, which robs you of the time and space required to build trust and agency in your relationship.  

• Use love bombing and other emotionally abusive techniques. On the flip side of being love-bombed, you might also intentionally or unintentionally use love bombing as a tactic to generate a sense of dependency and obligation in your partner or love interest. This is an emotionally abusive tactic that creates an unhealthy codependency in the relationship, manipulating your partner/love interest to stay in a toxic relationship with you. 

• Chronic cheating or the inability to commit to a partner(s). You are hooked on thrills, adventure, and novelty. You find a rush in the infatuation phase of a relationship where you might idealize a partner, which leads to an inevitable “crash and burns,” then you repeat the pattern by finding a new source of infatuation, and so forth. This makes it extremely difficult to commit to a stable and healthy relationship because you constantly find yourself losing interest in your relationships once a partner is no longer able to satisfy your needs, which can then lead to a strong sense of resentment. 

These are some common ways love addiction can show up. However, it is not a complete list of every possible way it can affect you and your relationships. If you are exploring the idea of potentially being a person who is struggling with love addiction, consider talking to a therapist and checking out Sex Love Addicts Annonymous. 

Breaking free from addiction is complex, and challenging, but possible! Reach out for help today.