Lily Boyar, MHC

People often associate couples therapy with the end of the road. For some couples, it represents the last ditch effort to salvage things before a possible separation. But the truth is, couples therapy can be so much more. 

I work with folks who are often not on the verge of an ending, but instead at the very beginning of their relationship. Sometimes it is premarital work before couples take the plunge, or partners at the beginning of their marriage. And one of the first things they often tell me is that they are concerned about conflict. They believe that arguments should be avoided, and any sign of discord means they are not a match. It makes sense - fighting can be scary! And we all come into a relationship with our own fears, experiences, and ideas about what conflict represents. 

However, sometimes being a therapist involves myth-busting. And this is an important one. Here is the secret; conflict is inevitable, and in fact, healthy. (Note: we are not talking about emotional or physical abuse or contempt in a relationship. This article is referring to relationships with a foundation of respect and safety). However, the unrealistic cultural expectations we place on couples to avoid conflict altogether, not only breed judgment but can lead to stress in the relationship.

 It is almost impossible to think that two people coming together from different families and backgrounds (this can range from differences in gender, culture, racial and ethnic identity, socioeconomic status, and more) won’t often butt heads. We are a product of our environment and so much of how we learn to be in the world is reflective of what we’ve been taught. No two people are the same. The inherent challenge in a relationship is building a life with someone else that honors your shared and individual needs and identities. Conflict can serve as a way to mobilize ideas, expand thinking, relieve stress, and develop new solutions. Perhaps the emphasis should be less on conflict itself, and instead on how couples resolve these issues. 

I help my clients learn to join with each other (i.e. understand and truly hear each other) and understand their patterns of communication and behavior. We don’t shy away from difficult emotions, in fact not talking about the hard stuff can erode the partnership in many ways. Instead, we practice skills that can help couples compromise and negotiate issues. Eventually, they learn to resolve issues more quickly and productively, especially when they are able to recognize familiar patterns that may activate them.

So the next time you and your partner get into a spat, don’t panic that the relationship is doomed. Instead, consider a few of these ideas for a meaningful resolution:

• What are you really fighting about? You may be arguing about who takes the trash out or pays the bills on time, but often these are just the details. What is a relational issue that is coming up here? What are your emotions?

• Could you both benefit from a 20-minute pause to cool off before revisiting the conversation?

• Consider using “I” statements! Try to avoid telling the other person what they’ve “done” and instead how it makes you feel.