People Pleasing as a Form of Trauma Response
Eileen Chiu, LMHC
When I first learned about people pleasing as a pathology, I was shocked! Up until that point, I had considered people pleasing as a skill set, a superpower. I was nurtured at a young age by my Asian parents to value harmony, and individual sacrifice to prioritize group/family goals and avoid conflict to keep the peace and group/family cohesion. Part of the reason why I became a Psychotherapist is the value I found in my helpfulness, supportiveness, and caretaking.
Learning about people pleasing as a trauma response, known as Fawning, has been an eye-opener. Pete Walker, a Psychotherapist who specializes in complex trauma, coined this concept in his book “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.” There are four trauma responses: Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn. Children who grow up in an unsafe, abusive, and/or neglectful family environment and are repeatedly exposed to stressors may develop different tactics to survive and protect themselves. Some become aggressive physically and/or verbally (Fight), others run away and avoid (Flight), some are unable to move or act and may disconnect and dissociate (Freeze), and some appease and cater to the needs and wants of others at the expense of their own (Fawn).
According to Arielle Schwartz, a Psychologist who specializes in Complex PTSD, fawning is people pleasing done to the degree in which “an individual disconnects from their own emotions, sensations, and needs. In childhood, this occurs because they must withhold expressing their authentic emotions of sadness, fear, and anger in order to avoid potential wrath or cruelty from a parent or caregiver. As a result, they turn their negative feelings toward themselves in the form of self-criticism, self-loathing, or self-harming behaviors. In adulthood, an unresolved fawn response can then become the root of co-dependence, depression, or somatic symptoms of pain and illness.” Some examples of fawning include but are not limited to, always walking on eggshells and waiting for the other shoe to drop, constantly hoping that caring for others would lead to them caring for you, feeling guilty when not being useful and/or able to help someone out, ignoring and denying your own needs and wants, looking to others to tell you how you “should” feel, and excessively complimenting others (may not be authentic). This behavioral pattern can happen in personal and professional relationships, and also in healthy relationships.
Here are some questions to ask yourself, to assess if you are fawning or engaging in appropriate people-pleasing
“Am I constantly shapeshifting myself depending on others’ moods and reactions to the point that I have lost my sense of self?”
“Do I feel like I do not have the right to say no or set boundaries with others? Something very bad will happen if I do?”
“Am I constantly doing things for others to make them happy in order to feel worthy and valuable?”
“Do I often apologize for things and blame myself for things that I am not responsible for?”
“Am I constantly minimizing my emotional pain and never asking for what I need?”
“Do I feel burned out in predicting other’s needs?”