Is People Pleasing Really About Pleasing Others?
Valeria West, MHC-LP
People pleasing is a common way of describing when individual struggles with boundaries, goes out of their way to “be there” for others even when it neglects their own needs, they may feel the need to agree with everyone, or more simply put those who might struggle to say “no”. People pleasers are known for doing whatever it takes to keep those around them happy and content, even when it might make more sense to prioritize their own comfort in certain situations. It can be easy to assume that people pleasers are just caring and flexible individuals, and while this might be true, this behavior might actually not be about a desire to please others. Wanting to please others at all costs can just be a manifestation of a much deeper issue.
Ultimately, I understand people pleasing as a lack of security. This could mean a lack of emotional security in a relationship or a lack of security in ourselves. People pleasing is not a personality trait; it’s a learned behavior in response to this lack of security. When a relationship does not have the proper conditions in place to be able to disagree, respect each other’s boundaries, require space from one another, etc., it can easily start to breed discomfort and lack of safety for one or both parties involved. You often hear discomfort and fear when you ask a people pleaser “What do you think might happen if you set a boundary with them instead?”. While it’s normal to fear a particularly negative or invalidating response, it becomes people-pleasing when we allow it to deter us from prioritizing ourselves and instead act to serve the other.
On the other hand, people-pleasing can also be a symptom of a lack of security within ourselves, even when operating within healthy relationships. This may stem from a fear of not being “good enough” to show up authentically. Someone with an insecure sense of self might fear that their needs are too much or not valid. They may fear that what they bring to the relationship is not enough on its own, and therefore they have to go above and beyond to prove their worth.
People pleasing, although often counterintuitive to our own needs, is, unfortunately, a behavior that is usually reinforced by those around us with signs of appreciation and praise. This behavior can help us avoid conflict, uncomfortable conversations, disappointing others, or even risking losing a relationship. For this reason, it is a difficult habit to break and to get comfortable with not doing. But that’s the thing… people pleasing prevents us from showing up in our relationships as authentically ourselves. People pleasers often fear coming across as selfish, unkind, or harsh at the mere thought of putting themselves first, even when doing so respectfully. However, it is possible to remain kind and thoughtful in your relationships while still prioritizing yourself when appropriate.
If you can identify with this way of being, feel worn down by it, and are feeling ready to show up in a different way in your relationships, here is where I recommend you start:
Identify a safe person to practice with. This is someone who you are almost certain would have a positive reaction to you setting some sort of boundary with them or who would be open to hearing your feedback. This should be a low-stakes situation where the chances of success are high. For example, instead of agreeing to go to dinner with a friend on Tuesday despite anticipating it being a long day with work and other commitments, you may already have, you could instead say you anticipate being tired that day but would love to meet up sometime during the weekend. This may seem small, but we need these experiences to reinforce that we are allowed to say no, that we can and should check in on ourselves and how we are doing before deciding if we can show up for someone else, and ultimately to gain more evidence that it is okay and safe to do so. Once you have practiced boundary setting in these safe and low-stakes situations, you can continuously increase the level of difficulty. In time, you will find yourself more and more comfortable with expressing what you truly feel and need.
Unlearning these tendencies can be a long journey, but one that ultimately leads to more fulfilling and authentic relationships. The hard work is worth it. Good luck!