Coming From a Place of Compassion with Your Teen

Advanced Clinical Fellow Katarina Williams

If you have children, you probably know that being a parent is one of the most rewarding, yet difficult jobs in the world. No matter how many best-selling parenting books you buy or podcasts you download, raising teens can present a whole new set of personal challenges. It can go without saying that navigating conflict with your teenager is a collective rite of passage for all parents.

Achieving independence is an essential part of your teen’s journey toward adulthood. As a parent, you are tasked with supporting your teen along their bumpy rollercoaster of exploring their identity and selfhood. You watch your teen change their interests and test out different types of friend groups and hobbies. Maybe your teen has even started to change their demeanor when they arrive home after school, rolling their eyes when you ask about their day. This can be an upsetting experience to go through as a parent… you have worked hard to build a beautiful and strong parent-child relationship.  *Poof* in the blink of an eye it feels like you’ve lost your precious baby. Rest assured you are not alone in this experience. This shift happens to all parents as teens move through this high school stage. It can leave you as their parent feeling underappreciated, unwanted, and disconnected from your teen. While there is no magic solution or answer to prevent this process from happening, there are some helpful ways to support you in navigating this stage of parenting.

Active Listening is Key

Actively listening to what your teen shares with you is essential, no matter what they bring to you, without jumping into advice-giving. Try to listen intently to their thoughts, concerns, drama at school, or dreams without judgment, and with a compassionate tone. Your tone has the power to negatively or positively impact how your teen receives your guidance. Demonstrating concern and care can be accomplished by having a soft, patient tone in your voice. Making eye contact during conversation can also communicate to your teen that you are with them and are trying to connect with them. If you are texting or clearly distracted by cooking dinner, your teen will feel you are not fully present. This communicates you are not listening to them fully, and ultimately that you don’t care. Using encouraging nonverbal responses and being mindful of your body language, such as nodding or uncrossing your arms during conflict can be another way to show you care and diffuse any tension in the moment. Lastly, offering brief verbal affirmations, such as “I see,” or “Mmmmm tell me more” or mirroring back their distress can help you truly understand what your teen is experiencing and meet them where they are.

Keep judgments to a minimum

Teens are hypersensitive to judgment and disapproval from their parents. If they sense in any way that you are coming from a place of judgment or control they will likely resist letting you into their inner world. So the next time you are listening to your teen, resist the urge to step into judgment or advice-giving. Try as much as possible to keep judgments to a minimum and hear your teen out– they will most likely feel more understood and connected with you if they are fully accepted. Allowing your kids to be their authentic selves in your home is a path to forming secure relationships with your teen.

Emotion Regulation

Before you bring up a difficult topic with your teen, pay attention to what's happening inside you. Are you in an emotionally regulated space or do you feel angry or upset with your work day or stressed about finances? Give yourself space to process and regulate any strong emotions you may be experiencing. Whether it's setting time aside for some breathwork or taking a cold shower to reset your nervous system before you sit down for a conversation. Dr. Becky Kennedy, one of my favorite experts in the field, talks about giving yourself the gift of self-compassion in these moments through mantras such as “This feels hard because it is hard, not because I am a bad parent.” The more you are able to come from an emotionally regulated space, the more compassion you can find for your teen’s perspective. 

It is equally as vital to give your teen that same time and space to process. This way they too can regulate some of their own strong emotions and come to the conversation from a less reactive space. Remember that teenage brain development means your child might not be able to see things from your perspective. This developmentally makes sense and is a useful reminder for parents to have patience.