Moving Through Relational Endings

Katarina Williams, Advanced Clinical Fellow

Following a breakup, it is a common human experience to experience an abundance of feelings. Whether these be feelings of loss, sadness, insecurity, anxiety, or loneliness, these feelings can be emotionally heavy and sometimes draining depending on how we cope.

I am here to validate that there is no manual or “coping recipe” on how to heal from deep relational loss. Healing timelines vary from person to person. For some, they may move through their feelings and focus on the next chapter in their journey more quickly. Maybe it is because these individuals have already processed the end of the relationship before they officially parted ways. For others, taking the time to grieve and reflect on this past relationship helps them process this ending and move through all the painful and nuanced emotions.

The process of how one copes with a breakup is unique. The best thing I believe you can do for yourself is to let go of a specific timeline it takes to “get over '' or heal from the relationship and focus on yourself in this present moment. Healing happens by being loyal to yourself. Loyalty could mean cultivating a strong support system, processing where you need to, grounding yourself in difficult moments, and giving yourself the gift of self-compassion. 

Cultivate a strong support system
Cultivating a strong support system when you are in the period following a breakup can be deeply supportive. Having your loved ones around you can generate feelings of safety and also serve as a positive distraction. It may seem difficult to rally a support system of individuals who understand how to hold space for you, but this is an essential piece of the healing process. Think about the people in your life who just get you. Who can you consistently rely on as a confidant, a person to share your struggles and the little moments of progress in moving through this season? Your support system could include your family members, friends, mentors, or your therapist. These are the people in your life that will love you through it all. Connecting with your support system over text, voice memos, factimes, or in IRL can soften any feelings of isolation. 

Process, process, process 
Processing helps us work through our feelings. This means feeling all of the emotions instead of stuffing them down or avoiding the more difficult ones. Especially if the relationship was serious or you moved in with your ex-partner at one point, it's essential to process what happened as opposed to suppressing it– examining your role in the dynamic as well.

Loyalty in these moments can look like giving yourself the space to be angry, upset, or unsure. Allow yourself to feel whatever comes up. You can process these feelings alongside the comfort of your therapist, or also on your own time. Journaling, creating meaningful playlists, repeating healing mantras, or taking a hot shower can serve as different modalities to process. Giving yourself permission to experience a wide array of emotions is an important step before working towards acceptance of what was. Accepting the person for who they are, what role they played in your life, and who that person is to you today. It’s significant to mention that there does come a time when processing turns into rumination.  Rumination, or obsessing over what happened, can keep you holding on to the relationship and feed into an emotional wound. When you feel you are getting to this place of rumination it’s important to make a conscious choice to begin to tell a new story, one that doesn’t feature your ex as the main character.

Grounding Strategies 
In those moments that you feel stuck in an unhelpful headspace, grounding can serve as an adaptive coping strategy.  One way to ground yourself in these moments could be to keep the focus on nurturing the relationship you have with yourself. You can attend to yourself by creating your own self-care schedule.  Another way to utilize grounding techniques is mindful breathwork. Practicing mindful breathing is gently focusing attention on the breath. Notice your breath patterns and resist the urge to change your breathing in any way. This can serve as a healthy distraction. Mindful breathing also supports your mind-body connection, helping you come back to the present moment. 

Self-compassion 
Breakups are especially difficult when they involve the awkward logistics of moving out of a cohabitation space or home that you rented with your ex. These relationships take a long time to heal and process. If you have recently moved out of your ex’s place, giving yourself compassion is key. There is a proven healing power that comes with being kind to yourself. Making self-compassion a part of your daily routine looks like saying kind words to yourself in the moments when your inner critic is loud. 

Lastly, I want to leave you with something I learned from one of my favorite therapists, Zoe Crook. She speaks about how letting go is not always about forgiveness, but also indifference. Indifference means getting to a place where you hold a lack of interest or concern for your ex. To cultivate indifference, try shifting your attention back to yourself every time you think about your ex. By redirecting your thoughts about your ex you can begin to cultivate more self-love and fulfillment.