5 Things We need to Normalize in Grief
Alex Mammadyarov, MHC
Grief is a human experience that impacts our mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual wellbeing. We all encounter it as loss is inevitable and yet we live in a dominant culture that turns away from it, which generates misconceptions. This often results in grieving people feeling unsure if their experience is “normal”. Grief is certainly unique for each person but there are some commonalities that show up in research and the therapeutic space, though they don’t always make it out into society’s larger understanding of what really happens after a loss.
Here are 5 things we need to normalize in grief:
Not finding a silver lining
Grief can shake up our values and beliefs and meaning-making tends to occur somewhere in the process (Worden, 2018). However, this meaning is the grieving person’s to make, not someone else’s to offer. Discomfort with witnessing the emotional depth of grief can cause some well-intended supporters to suggest a silver lining or an “at least”, which can actually cause more pain. It is often true that your experience with grief might actually lead you to develop confidence in your ability to weather storms and provide you with more clarity on your values. It is possible to recognize these areas of growth within yourself and maybe even really appreciate them, while also feeling that they don’t compensate for the loss that made them so.
Viewing the person you lost as imperfect and fully human
The notion that we must not “speak ill of the dead” can have a stifling effect on fully grieving a loss. Internalizing this message or trying to shield others from any remotely negative or conflicted feelings you have about this person can result in idealizing them. This diminishes the full range of feelings you might carry from having had a real and nuanced relationship, when you may need to sit with those feelings or even engage in an exercise that allows you to share what was left unsaid. It’s okay to choose to remember and process it all, the joyful and the painful, instead of wiping the slate clean.
Having a different experience from your family or friends who lost the same person you did
This one can coincide with viewing the person you lost as fully human! When one member of a family, social group, or community dies, there can be a sense of shared grief or at least the expectation of it. At the same time, it helps to remember that relationship dynamics are unique. Even within a family, each member sees the unit through their own lens and experience. If this is the case, then why wouldn’t each person’s grief be unique too? Self-comparison in grief is tempting, particularly if we are feeling insecure about our process and wondering if we are “doing it right” but it tends to do more harm than good.
Experiencing grief waves on ordinary (or even extra happy) days too
You might expect that grief waves (those moments or days of more sharply felt longing and sadness) will come up around significant dates such as death anniversaries or birthdays. This can happen and sometimes, the lead-up and mental preparation can actually be more emotionally taxing than the date itself. However, grief doesn’t politely ask if now is a good time or the “right” time. Grief waves can come up seemingly out of the blue or even on celebratory days because they amplify an absence. Grief and joy sometimes come to us as a pair.
Finding that grief doesn’t disappear but shifts
Grief doesn’t end at a prescribed point in time. It often goes on, though no longer in a debilitating manner, as it may have in the very beginning. Sometimes processing becomes delayed while we are in survival mode. For those who have experienced childhood loss, you may have even found yourself re-negotiating the grief upon various developmental transitions (Biank & Werner-Lin, 2011). It ebbs and flows, never stagnant, which may be both challenging to accept and also, a relief. Another way of conceptualizing this is considering that the grief doesn’t necessarily shrink but a life with fulfillment and joy can grow around it.
Remember that your grief process is yours and it is sacred. Allow yourself to feel into and move through your unique experience, even if you think it may deviate from expectations.
Sources:
Biank, N. & Werner-Lin, A. (2011). Growing up with grief: Revisiting the death of a parent over the life course. Omega. 63. 271-90. 10.2190/OM.63.3.e.
Worden, W.J. (2018). Grief counseling and grief therapy: A handbook for the mental health practitioner (5th ed.).
Springer Publishing Company.