Rachel Damin, MHC

Respectful, positive communication is the key to effectively navigating conflict in romantic relationships. While conflict is a normal occurrence in long-term romantic relationships and is to be expected in even the happiest of couples, there are certain communication styles that have been shown to be the most consistent predictors of relationship dissolution and divorce.

These destructive communication styles have been referred to as “The Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse” by Drs Julie & John Gottman and include criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. See below for descriptions of The Four Horsemen and helpful alternatives for healthy conflict resolution.

Criticism: Placing the focus on your partner’s character or flaws instead of on the actual problem. When we criticize our partner, we are implying that there is something wrong with them. Examples of this include placing blame on your partner or engaging in name-calling.

Alternate to Criticism: Ask your partner to change their behavior in a specific way. Using the outline of “I feel ____ about ___ and I need ___” can be helpful in communicating this request without criticizing your partner.

Defensiveness: Attempting to protect yourself or defend your innocence from a perceived attack. When we act defensively, we are attempting to place the blame on our partner after receiving criticism from them. Examples include countering an attack with another attack or placing yourself in the role of the ‘innocent victim’.

Alternate to Defensiveness: Take responsibility for your part of the problem. This will help your partner to feel understood and will prevent the conflict form escalating further.

Contempt: Putting your partner down by believing that you are superior to them in some way. When we speak down to our partners, we are placing ourselves above them and are looking down on them with a sense of scorn. Examples include sarcasm, cynicism, eye-rolling, name-calling, mockery, or other types of hostile humor.

Alternate to Contempt: Describe your own feelings and needs & provide your partner with appreciation and admiration. When you are able to express your needs in the relationship, your partner has the opportunity to help solve the problem with you. Additionally, when we feel valued and appreciated in our relationships, we are less likely to engage in contempt when there is conflict.

Stonewalling: Withdrawing from the conversation. When we stop giving cues that we are listening or paying attention during conflict, we continue the unhelpful communication cycle and we are unable to resolve the issue at hand. Examples include feel engaging in “silent treatment,” crossing your arms, or avoiding eye contact when your partner is talking with you.

Alternate to Stonewalling: Take a break and engage in a self-soothing activity. Stonewalling often happens when we are emotionally overwhelmed and are unable to think or communicate clearly. When we are able to take a break for at least 20 minutes, we feel calmer and we are better able to communicate and listen.