Tackling Scarcity Mindset in Dating

Lina Mafi, MHC

Dating in this digital age can be, at best, overwhelming. Online dating presents its users with a sea of potential partners that are only a swipe or a text away. Ironically, however, many people struggle with an overwhelming fear that they won’t be able to find a good match. This paradox can best be understood by examining a “scarcity mindset” - an outlook characterized by the perception of scarce resources, an emphasis on what is lacking, and the fear that what is desired cannot be found or isn’t deserved. 

During the early days of human existence, this focus on scarce resources proved helpful, as it led humans to recognize what vital resources they lacked (such as food, water, and shelter), and motivated them to find these resources in order to survive. In the present day, however, research has revealed that a scarcity mindset has been linked to adverse mental, physical, and vocational outcomes. A scarcity mindset can make it difficult to identify what resources are available to you, and therefore can influence your experience of satisfaction or fulfillment. 

In the dating sphere, a scarcity mindset can often lead people to believe that they will never find the relationship they long for. They may feel that their efforts will not amount to anything, whether swiping on a dating app or approaching someone they’re interested in. Unfortunately, this sense of futility can lead people to abandon their efforts and resign to their assumed fate of ending up alone. Despite this overwhelming feeling of futility, there are things that can help lessen a feeling of scarcity and increase a sense of possibility in your dating life. 

I recommend beginning by learning more about the scarcity mindset in your life by identifying your existing narratives about dating and exploring their roots. First, think about what narratives you have about dating. For example: Have you always thought of yourself as “unloveable”? Do you believe the type of relationship you’re looking for is impossible to find? 

Then, start exploring when these narratives started, and how they developed throughout your life. For example: did a past relationship’s ending leave you worried that you will always feel rejected and worthless with a partner? Oftentimes, these fears have roots in our past relationships or low self-esteem, so exploration of your relationship history - and your relationship with yourself - may prove useful. 

After doing this reflection, you may start to notice when your scarcity mindset is influencing your dating life. From here, I recommend exploring an “abundance mindset”, which is characterized by trust in an abundance of suitable dating options available to you and, most importantly, that you deserve those opportunities. Engaging in regular gratitude practices can also help to shift a feeling of scarcity into an appreciation for what love already exists in your life. 

Ultimately, shifting to an abundance mindset is a long road that requires actively challenging your existing narratives and practicing self-compassion. (If you’re interested in learning more about how to practice self-compassion, check out my recent blog post that discusses this very topic!) If you are looking to adopt an abundance mindset, I recommend doing so with the support of a trusted therapist who can help as you embark on this rewarding journey.