Letting go of anger when fighting in relationships

Alaina Malik, MHC-LP

If you’re in a relationship where you and your partner fight often, and you feel like your anger gets in the way of being able to communicate effectively, then this article is for you.

The first act of love is to listen. 
Feeling anger towards a conflict is a natural reaction. However, it’s important to remember that anger is a secondary emotion and not the whole picture. Anger or frustration is felt in reaction to another emotional response you feel towards the trigger point. The trigger point within the conversation between you and your partner may have made you feel emotions that you naturally wish to avoid feeling, such as rejection, sadness, guilt, shame, embarrassment, etc. These root emotions can be uncomfortable to feel, which is why the brain tends to block against them, but these emotions can also be your source of empowerment. 

Next time, when in the heat of an argument follow these three steps:
Step 1: Breathe
Step 2: Identify your trigger that made you feel angry 
Step 3. Find the root emotion

While exploring the root emotion, allow yourself to get curious about what your role was in the situation that lead the argument to this moment of anger for you. These are points where you may gain control over the circumstance because the only thing you can actively control is yourself moving forward. Allow the hard feelings to rise for a moment. What questions come up for you during this reflection? What feelings are coming up? Is it getting too dark? If it feels too heavy, too scary, or too dark while exploring on your own, then that is your sign to seek additional help to guide you through these feelings, perhaps a mental health therapist or coach. But, don’t do a disservice to yourself or your relationship by denying yourself the opportunity to grow from discomfort, and to experience self-empowerment.

When anger surfaces in your body caused by something in your relationship, remember it is not the entire experience of that situation. Anger is a defensive reactionary emotion created by the mind to block those undesired and uncomfortable feelings of rejection, guilt, etc. However, if you were to sit with the experience of the root emotion, you may be able to see the cause creating the anger. 

Begin looking at your triggers as moments to get curious about yourself, and to learn more about yourself. Next time you feel anger boiling through your body, pause for a moment and ask yourself ‘what feeling am I hiding from fully experiencing?’ Begin to listen to your body, listen to your heart, and listen with loving compassion: being curious without judgement. 

The second act of letting go of anger to communicate more effectively with your partner is to deepen your experience of love.
When you tell your partner that you love them, do you allow that sensation into your body? Do you surrender to your own definition of loving someone? How even do you define your love for someone else? Remember it’ll always be embedded in the narrative of how you love yourself. P.S.: these are great journal prompts for anyone looking to self-explore.

Part of the responsibility in choosing to be a member of a loving relationship means choosing to show up as a source of love within the relationship. This means engaging and relishing in the experience of love in each situation that you choose. It is very much possible to experience love even while you experience anger. In fact you are already participating in both emotions, but perhaps not in your most desired way.

The combination of the anger and love without understanding root emotions may look like the following examples. In the past, your relationship’s communication style may have sound like you telling your partner “I love you” several times a day, or doing things for them that you know they appreciate multiple times a day. Essentially it’s doing or saying anything that reinforces the narrative that you love them. But, then, when you fight and you’re angrily lashing out at your partner, the questionable point becomes your love’s fragility, which is an uneasy feeling to sit with. This would be an example of a root emotion under the anger, in which case your anger would elevate to hide the discomfort of questioning the worth of your love. This narrative may sound like, “If I’m angry at my partner, do I even love my partner?” But you’re still angry with them and continue in aggressive communication because to pause at that thought is uncomfortable for the body.

In an alternative example, communication about love may look like you requiring validation from your partner when you’re feeling angry. You may want them to tell you that they love you and to listen to you when you’re fighting. This validates your feelings of anger because when you feel validated, then you no longer feel angry. However, in this narrative, you’re secretly asking your partner to love the side you deemed unlovable to fulfill your own sense of self-love. These examples may cause cycles of extreme discomfort both within the relationship and within yourself because it’s avoiding the root emotion and allowing anger to hold the whole space of tension.

So when you’re angry and fighting with your partner, however ugly that conversation may look, ask yourself, “am I engaging in the feeling of love at this moment?” You may tell yourself that you love them, and you tell your partner that you love them, but in the heat of that argument, are you genuinely feeling your love for them or yourself? If you feel like your style of angry communication feels like you’re cutting off your foot when you speak, then you’re not engaging in your feeling of love for yourself. In these instances, circle back to act 1 at the top of the page.

Here’s the hard lesson: To communicate with your partner from a place of love vs anger or aggression means to allow yourself to tap into that hidden supply of compassion in your body. The spot where you say, ‘but I do love them,’ and then don’t act on it. It’s within that hidden gem that you want to tap into. And here’s the secret: you still get to choose when you want to and don’t want to tap into that part of you. You can still choose to be angry or defensive. You can still be nervous in exploring vulnerability while feeling love. Over time, as you train your heart to open itself in these harder moments around people who allow you to feel safe, and explore vulnerability, then, you’ll learn to go back and forth between feeling protected and exposed, as you desire. Eventually, you’ll get to a dual state where you can feel the uncomfortable root emotion triggered by a fight and engage in love for yourself and your partner.

Remember, when exploring vulnerability, to do so with ones who you have deemed worthy of your love and safety. With those humans, open up. Allow yourself to let the guard down because you don’t have to be so heavily protected. This isn’t an easy thing to do, because it’s not just vulnerability and love, we’re also talking about trust and giving up a sense of your control, especially in the beginning when exploring vulnerability in this manner feels foreign to your body. Also, it’s a ‘sense’ of lack of control because you’re not literally giving up your control within the fight. Where anger may be perceived as the dominant emotion to feel as though you’re ‘in control’, you may still have that comfort of control while choosing to tap into your supply of love vs anger/aggression. Remember, you’re choosing not to pester on that fight but to communicate, to ask ‘why’ from a space of genuine care and curiosity - not for your ego or sense of comfort, but with a desire to get closer to yourself and your partner in moments of hardship. The conversation no longer becomes about feeling unlovable from yourself or about feeling unloved in your expression of anger, but rather it is about communicating your love for yourself and partner throughout the ‘fight’.

The third act is practicing love. 
In the exploration of letting go of anger to effectively communicate with your partner, remember you’re not breaking down and changing your communication style for them, this in fact is for you. Your growth is always for the love of yourself. It is in honour of yourself. Giving love to someone else means participating in and demonstrating love for yourself. So, for every ‘I love you’ that you offer your partner, offer one in return to yourself. Make this your new habit of self-love, because you are worthy, and it’s from this place of love that healthier communication may grow.