Dysphoria Under the Duvet
Sam Silor, MHC
The American Psychiatric Association (APA) defines dysphoria as the distress which arises from conflicts between a person’s gender identity or expression and their assigned-at-birth sex. I like to acknowledge that dysphoria is a term created by the medical community used primarily for diagnostics and that diverse gender experiences are not necessarily indicative of disorder. However, I believe it can still be useful when describing, communicating & sharing experiences from a wellness perspective, regardless of the medical context. With reflection and support, many T/GNC folks have been able to identify different spaces, activities & contexts that tend to generate a dysphoric response and set appropriate boundaries. But that doesn’t mean that we can always control when it happens. Dysphoria can creep up when you’re at work, at an important event like a wedding or birthday, while you’re simply alone with your thoughts or yes—even in the bedroom. Understandably, sex can be one of the most challenging times to navigate gender dysphoria and it’s just as important to understand and honor your boundaries regarding your pleasure as it is your safety. And trust me—you! deserve! pleasure!
So what can dysphoria during sex even look like? It’s helpful to keep in mind that it can be experienced internally, externally, & socially. Maybe you’ve found yourself obsessing over different bodily parts or with ruminating thoughts about how a specific part may look. Maybe your experience is more intense and results in completely disconnecting from your body through dissociation or through panic. Or maybe you attempt to hide yourself or parts of yourself by strategically using duvets to cover up or insisting on turning off the lights during sex. While these can be very normal experiences for many T/GNC individuals, there’s also many ways to combat the distress of gender dysphoria when it pops up uninvited in your bed. Here are two of my favorite strategies to cope with dysphoria during sex:
Show & Tell: Talk through the boundaries of the scene with your sexually intimate partner(s) before sex ever becomes physical. Think of this as a savory appetizer to foreplay used to stimulate your mind just as much as your body. Ask your partner what feels the best, how they like to be touched, where they like to be touched, and with what motion or pressure. Maybe even ask them to show you directly what they like on themselves first and you can then do the same. Don’t forget to tell your partner if anything feels “off-limits” and not just with touch, that includes with language. It’s also helpful to share with your partner if you use specific gender-affirming terminology for different parts such referring to the top half of the torso as your “chest” rather than “breasts.” (This also helps avoid any unintentional slip ups during some in-the-moment dirty talk!)
Create Gender Euphoria! Unlike its antonym, the term gender euphoria was created not by the medical community, but instead by the gender/sex minority community themselves. In addition to all the in-person discussions I’ve had regarding this phenomenon amongst the T/GNC community, I’ve also seen conversations start to arise across many social media platforms aimed at bringing more awareness. Because of its clinical ambiguity there is no “formal” definition, but I can make an offering from my personal experience. For me, gender euphoria is a bright burst of awareness and joyful gratitude that results from feeling affirmed, validated, and honored in my gender experience and expression. It’s a type of deep, delicious affirmation that speaks to a beautiful congruence between my feelings an my experience. Much like dysphoria, euphoria can be experienced externally such as receiving gender-affirming hormones or surgeries, internally such as such comfort in knowing that your expression is ever-expansive and endless in possibility, or social such as being referred to by your chosen name and pronoun or other affirming terms such as “handsome.” These moments, while they can be small, swaddle us in protective warmth. Sex can be a great time to tap into that warmth so don’t be afraid to take ownership of your experience. A great way to start is by wearing something during a sex scene that gives you euphoria—it could be a type of underwear or lingerie, maybe you have a special binder that flattens your chest exactly right, experiment with wearing a strap on or packer, put on nail polish, or even slap on some glitter! Just remember that how you experience your gender euphoria is completely personal to you and not everyone will experience or even desire the same gender affirmations.