When it's time to address your fear of rejection
Birch Cooper, MHC
Fear of rejection can loosely be defined as the fear that one will not be accepted as a result of their looks, behavior, personality, values, beliefs, opinions, or needs. However, rejection also implies action so fear of rejection also includes the fear of being turned away, deserted, or dropped. Those are harsh words. Who wouldn’t want to avoid those? The truth is no matter how secure or independent everyone fears rejection to some degree.
Fear of rejection has multiple causes and a predisposition to developing the fear may be the result of an early, significant abandonment or rejection, repeated bullying, having a physical difference from others, or the traumatic loss of a parent or caretaker at a young age. Fear of failure typically stems from a core belief or fear about oneself. Those who fear that they are unworthy or are unlovable may experience rejection as validation of those fears, in turn reinforcing them or aiding their formation into negative core beliefs.
Rejection is a form of loss and can be painful. Trying to avoid rejection may be adaptive at times but those who attempt to avoid it at all costs often fall into behaviors that do not serve them long term. When fear of rejection starts to impact your ability to express yourself, explore, grow and thrive personally or professionally it may be time to face your fear of rejection with the help of a therapist.
Fear of rejection can work its way into our lives in a plethora of ways. Professionally it might look like holding off on sending your resume to apply for a position that appeals to you, anxiety during interviews, accepting an initial offer for a position instead of negotiating additionally beneficial terms, not speaking up when you have an idea, an inability to set boundaries around work-life balance or prolonged hesitation in regards to asking raise. Personally, it could manifest in a fear of meeting new people, avoiding small talk, holding back from expressing one's views even among friends or allowing social plans to be made without providing input. On the dating front, a person with a heightened fear of rejection might obsess over their appearance, have trouble speaking or spend more time worrying about if their date is interested in them than considering if they are interested in their date. In longer-term relationships, fear of rejection can lead to difficulty identifying and expressing one's own needs, resistance to setting boundaries, or difficulty standing up for oneself.
Overall fear of rejection can lead to passivity in relationships, inauthentic or performative interactions, participating in passive-aggressive or people-pleasing behaviors, staying in a personal or professional situation that is not meeting your needs, and at times social withdrawal.
If you are having trouble facing your fear of rejection on your own, working with a therapist may help. Aside from the insight gained and healing that can take place by exploring the development of your fear of failure historically, a professional can help you identify when you are participating in people-pleasing behaviors, mitigate the anxiety of setting and maintaining boundaries, collaborate on ideas to push yourself socially, help you find your voice with friends, family or in romantic relationships and in the event you experience rejection support you through any pain, help you process the loss and grieve. Together with a therapist you move toward discovering and healing the original injury, mitigate your fears of failure and move toward living a life of intention unencumbered by fear.