Combating shame when reintegrating back into the world post-pandemic
Nada Elawdan, MHC
After over a year of lockdown and staying indoors, restrictions have been loosening up and more people are being vaccinated. This means that many of us will begin to reintegrate back into schools, offices, and social gatherings. Returning into a post-pandemic world can seem overwhelming and jarring for several reasons. These reasons can include insecurities around altered appearances, being in a different financial situation, experiencing a loss of a close friend or family member, or coming out of a breakup/divorce. With these life changes, picking up life right where you left off is almost impossible. Reintegration can bring up feelings of fear, shame, and insecurities.
Human beings are psychologically, emotionally, cognitively, and spiritually hardwired for connection, love, and belonging (Brené Brown). Especially during the past year, that sense of connection and belonging was restricted to social media applications and Zoom calls. As of late, graduations, new jobs, pregnancies, and engagement announcements can feel like a daily occurrence. With technology being the only source to the outside world, one often finds themselves comparing what they accomplished in 2020 with those in their circle.
Shame may arise when reintegrating back into society and finding oneself comparing progress and accomplishments during the pandemic with everyone else’s. That shame-based fear is rooted in feeling not enough: not successful enough, not good enough, not perfect enough, not thin enough. In Daring Greatly, Brené Brown wrote that “shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” When social media was our only connection to those around us, we can easily find ourselves absorbed in the cultural messaging of shame, scarcity, and lack.
Brené Brown describes 12 shame categories:
Appearance and body image
Money and work
Motherhood/fatherhood
Family
Parenting
Mental and physical health
Addiction
Sex
Aging
Religion
Surviving trauma
Being stereotyped or labeled
“When we feel shame, we are most likely to protect ourselves by blaming something or someone, rationalizing our lapse, offering a disingenuous apology, or hiding out” (Brené Brown). In a time where many were fractured by disengagement, easing back into ‘normal life’ is scary, overwhelming, and fearful. Perfectionist tendencies may arise as a result of the form of tomorrow-thinking. Tomorrow-thinking can be described as the fantasy one believes for the future once they accomplish something. This can take the form of happiness as a result of a career change, weight loss, or a new relationship. For example, tomorrow I will start going to the gym everyday and feel confident. Everyone has probably heard “once the pandemic, I will…” coming from several people in the past few months. This tomorrow-thinking can be problematic once guilt and shame arise. Guilt around what you may have experienced in the past year and shame around not being enough.
“Shame started as a two-person experience, but as I got older I learned how to do shame all by myself” - Robert Hilliker
When one attaches their self-worth to others, it is easy to fall victim to performing, perfecting, and people-pleasing tendencies. When self-worth is not attached to others, you are more comfortable with yourself and more willing to be courageous. Shame can keep you small, afraid, and resentful because of a deep fear of being wrong or belittled. In going back to school, the office, or social gatherings, these fears may arise but you have a choice in how you respond to it. Practicing shame-resilience can be extremely helpful when integrating back with others.
We judge others just as hard as we judge ourselves. Once developing a compassionate and forgiving inner voice, reintegrating back may not be so intimidating. Brené Brown shared that shame-resilience can look like the following: “this hurts. This is disappointing, maybe even devastating. But success and recognition and approval are not the values that drive me. My value is courage and I was just courageous. You can move on, shame.”