Reconnecting with Your Authentic Sense of Self

Birch Cooper, MHC

I read and hear it often, “show up authentically” and “be yourself!” I have to say I agree but I would like to acknowledge that there are those who grasp the concept of authenticity but often question if they are living authentically. It's not that they need instructions rather that they do not feel as though they have a fine-tuned sense of self.

Some are consciously aware of these feelings and might share them during a phone consultation but for others, it slowly reveals itself through the decision-making process and the expression of opinions. Every so often in therapy sessions, I realize the client has provided the opinion of their significant other, their best friend, a parent, a mentor and even roommates or coworkers. When I pause and ask about their opinion they feel uncertain or do not know. Similarly, they will share a list of people who have all weighed on what they want the client to do, yet when I pause and ask the client what they would like to do the answer is, “I don’t know what I want.” I have heard this response in decisions as trivial as not being able to choose what to have for dinner or as significant as ending a romantic relationship or moving on from an abusive workplace. 

Naturally, it is all right not to know what you want and neither indecision or unrefined opinions mean someone is inauthentic. On the contrary, being able to express what you do not know particularly about yourself is a highly authentic and vulnerable act. Further, help making impactful decisions or guidance connecting with their own answers is why several individuals enter therapy. 

I believe that the development of a sense of self and our willingness to share it with others is linked to our ability to make decisions, express our opinions and feel that we firmly know who we are. Our sense of self includes likes and dislikes, our belief system and our personality traits. When we are acting authentically we are living and expressing ourselves in ways that are aligned with our sense of self. Parts of our identity are observable but our sense of self is internal and at different points during development can be hidden, ignored, denied, separated from or manipulated. 

As children, we are completely dependent on others to meet our physical and emotional needs. Typically a handful of people hold all of the love, acceptance and approval a child has access to. Ideally, these emotional and physical needs are met. However, if early self-expression is repeatedly met with criticism or love, acceptance and approval are provided conditionally the child will adapt by taking steps away from expressing themselves authentically and may also learn that they need to change to be loved. In cases of neglect development of a sense of self can also stagnate. If you have trouble deciding what you want or expressing your opinion it does not mean that it began in your childhood. There are possibilities to deny or conceal our authentic selves at other stages of development. Early socialization like daycare, preschool or kindergarten offer similar opportunities to trade authenticity for acceptance and approval as does the heightened importance of social connections as a teenager, entering romantic relationships, college and even workplace and career. 

All is not lost! Ideally, you will be able to work with a professional therapist to identify the turning point and mourn the loss, however, there are efforts that you can undertake on your own that can initiate the process of connecting with and further developing your sense of self. 

Spend Some Time Alone:

The pandemic has provided alone time for some but eliminated it for others. Setting aside time to be by yourself varies from isolation in that it is done occasionally and a momentary break from existing social connections. Time alone aids in seeing oneself as an individual, initiating an inner dialog, self-reflection and the development of one's own opinions. It can be as simple as taking a walk alone or reading a book or as involved as a hobby that you pursue independently.  

Journaling:

There are a myriad of ways to journal. Since it is a form of self-expression most types of journaling can help you connect with your sense of self. There are a plethora of prompts online, but simply writing about the day's happenings can help you become an observer of your own life. Reflecting on your process, thoughts and feelings as well as how and what you were able to express throughout the day can provide powerful insight about showing up authentically. Reflecting on your decision-making process and asking yourself who you were trying to please can also be beneficial. In addition, journaling can also give you the opportunity to create a conversation with yourself about personal goals like fostering and developing a stronger sense of self, setting aside alone time or identifying your core values. 

Identifying Your Core Values:

This sounds a little more intimidating than it is, it is not necessary to start with a blank piece of paper and come up with these on your own. There are great value sort exercises on the web that can inspire initial exploration. Values can be further refined or changed over time. Deciding on your core values is only part of the process. What can be more challenging is ensuring you are doing your best to vocalize them when needed and live aligned with them.  

Create a List of Likes and Dislikes: 

This may sound simple but can increase in complexity with time. You can start with ice cream flavors, types of cuisine and genres of movies. Looking for something more advanced? Switch to interpersonal or romantic interactions, these can be useful down the line in helping us define our needs and set boundaries with friends, coworkers and even romantic interests or partners. 

Learn About Your Personality:

I am partial to the 16 personality types created by Myers-Briggs due to the amount of information that comes with the classification. The personality types include possible likes, dislikes, strengths, weaknesses, traits and compatible career paths. It is important to note that I consider all personality tests as simply something to consider not words or letters to live by. I also enjoy The Five Love Languages for its ability to help those who take it identify needs in romantic relationships. Looking for something less traditional? Although they are not scientific or evidence supported and might be best thought of as “insightful entertainment” there are tests that can help you discover your spirit animal, classify your psychological archetype or identify your multiple intelligences. Although the inclusion of these last few may raise an eyebrow or two the process of completing them does include self-reflection as well as personal selection and they provide a fun way of getting to know yourself a little better. 

Regardless of what caused you to step away from your sense of self or learn to adjust the way you express yourself there are ways that you can develop your sense of self and return to behavior that feels authentic. This process is best accomplished in collaboration with a professional therapist, however, there are practices and exercises you can undertake to begin the process of self-discovery. I wish you the very best of luck on your journey to discovering or reclaiming your authentic self.