The Science Behind Toxic Relationships, And Breaking Free
Alana Barlia, LMHC
Why are toxic relationships so addictive, and why do people describe it as similar to a drug addiction?
Toxic relationships can often feel addictive in nature. The highs are high and the lows are low, leaving us reeling from the desire and the rejection.
This type of toxicity begins in our primary relationships. Our relationship with our primary caregiver sets the foundation for our attachments throughout our adult lives. When our caregiver provides the care we need, we feel safe and securely attached to them. This leads to a sense of safety and security attaching to romantic partners later in life. If our caregiver fails to create a secure attachment, we will feel insecure (and anxious) in our attachments later in life.
This has some biological underpinnings - our nervous system registers our initial attachments as “the norm” and we become biologically addicted to this type of attachment. If we were brought up in validating, loving environments, we will stray away from chaotic, abusive, or neglectful relationships later. However, if we were brought up in chaotic or toxic environments, this will feel safe to us – and therefore we will anxiously attach to this type of bond.
The other aspect of attachment is chemical. People in love have similar activity in their brain reward circuits as those in the throes of addiction. When dopamine is released in the brain and the reward circuit of the brain is triggered, our brain fires a message letting us know that this is a pleasurable experience and we would like to feel it again. This occurs in addiction as well as in relationships. At first this is a normal cycle of craving and validation, but as relationship continues we crave more and more validation to get the same high. In toxic relationships- ones that are chaotic, unpredictable, and unsafe – we will also feel withdrawal. The unpredictability, the red flags, and feeling disconnected are all signs that this toxic relationship is unraveling and we will do more to receive that validation we need to get our high.
What are some signs you're in a toxic relationship?
High highs and low lows
You feel anxious most or all of the time
It feels like you are “out of sight out of mind” for your partner
You feel gaslit and/or like you are “making things up”
Self-denial and self-doubt
You often cannot find your partner or don’t know where they are
Secrecy
Your partner puts you down/is critical/or backhanded
What are some signs you're in a trauma bond?
Trauma bonds are relationships where we repeat the same dynamics as we experienced during childhood with our primary caregivers. We learned what we needed to do to receive love, which is often self-neglect, and therefore we continue to neglect ourselves in order to receive love in our romantic relationships.
Some signs of trauma bonds are:
Obsessive anxiety over the relationship
Denying or ignoring red flags
Lack of boundaries
Ignoring own needs and own reality
What are some signs of emotional abuse, gaslighting, and narcissistic abuse?
Lack of empathy and unwarranted rage
The feeling that you are walking on egg shells and their anger feels unpredictable
Manipulation and lying
They have a grandiosity sense of self, and make you feel less than
They are overly critical about small or insignificant things
You feel persistent self-doubt or self-betrayal
Why is it so difficult to break free from a trauma bond or toxic relationship?
Because the familiarity of the pain feels like safety.
We learned early in our primary relationships what we had to do to receive love, and often times this meant giving up our own needs to serve somebody else. The chaos, unpredictability, abuse, pain, and suffering feel safe when they were entangled with love. It can feel very scary to break free from a trauma bond in favor of a healthy relationship because that healthy relationship feels foreign. Tips for how to break free from the addiction or trauma bond:
Do the work on yourself to understand your past traumas
Ask yourself what is being activated in you around certain people and in certain relationships
Boundaries! Set physical, emotional, mental, material, and energetic boundaries in the important relationships in your life
Individuate – ask yourself what are 5 things I need and 5 things I want in my relationship
Put yourself first