The Holiday Blues: How to Process Grief During Times of Cheer
Sienna Chu, MHC
For many, December is a month of celebration. It’s a time to gather with loved ones and relish in yearly traditions like the hanging of lights, gift giving, and dinner parties with friends and family. It’s a holiday season centered around togetherness and family. But what if instead of feeling merry, the idea of togetherness brings up feelings of grief and sadness? What if when you’re reminded of family, it’s the members who won’t be showing up for the holidays that come to mind- the ones who have passed on or are estranged.
Despite the marathon of Hallmark movies depicting flowery tales of love and romance, or the myriad of ads and commercials showing the quintessential family laughing together as they tear open presents, there can be a darker, lonelier side to the holiday season. One about unmet wishes for the family you never had or sheer longing to share time with someone you deeply miss. If that resonates for you, you’re not alone.
As much as the holidays highlights the importance of embracing family, the traditional, cookie-cutter family that’s often presented can leave many with the feeling of being on the outside. It has it’s way of making us confront our own ideals of family and how we have or haven’t met the mark. Mix that with a high volume of social engagements and forced “celebration” and it can get pretty heavy and lonely. What can make someone feel lonelier when they already feel lonely? Put them in a room with a bunch of smiling and laughing people to accentuate how different they feel from everyone else.
So, how do we deal with all of this without burying ourselves in a mountain of blankets or drowning ourselves in milk and cookies?
Here are some things to take note of and how you might be able to help yourself out.
If you are missing a loved one, give yourself time to mourn. Literal time. You might not be able to sit into your feeling while at work or at a social gathering, so creating a time in the day where you can really get in touch with your sadness can be crucial. Grief is not linear, so don’t be alarmed if you’re feeling strong sadness. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you or that you’re regressing. If anything, it’s a testament to your love for someone. So, the first step is to not get down on yourself for what your feeling, and instead create space for it to also exist inside the more upbeat feelings of the holidays. Whether that means reserving a half hour or so at night for yourself to journal or to go through pictures and reflect on cherished memories, making this time can be a sacred and beautiful tradition.
If you’re feeling particularly triggered during times where it may feel inappropriate, like at an office holiday party or a gathering with the in-laws, this visualization might be helpful. When you notice a sad feeling, thought, or memory coming up, take a moment to acknowledge what’s coming up for you, and visualize opening a small box, placing your feelings/memories/thoughts inside, and gently close the lid. I want to be clear that the goal is not to box it away hoping to forget about it, but instead it’s to keep it stored in a safe place until you’re in a safe space to revisit it-- like that evening time you reserved for yourself to more deeply process your feelings. If you’re unable or unwilling to open the box back up and sit into some of those feelings, this might result in feelings of numbness or being “down.” Feelings are meant to move through us, so when we suppress ones we don't like, we interrupt that processes and unintentionally end up suppressing the ones we do like too.
This phenomenon also occurs when we partake in using substances as a coping strategy. When we don’t want to feel something, it’s far easier turning to mood and mind-altering substances to help us shake things off. It can be even more tempting to default to this strategy when we are surrounded by more opportunities to do so-- hello holiday parties and happy hours. The cost? Those feelings aren’t actually processed, but are suppressed instead. Not to mention alcohol is a depressant, with the full capacity to mess around with our brain chemistry in a way that only reinforces the feelings that lead us to having that “one more” glass of wine or beer in the first place.
To help cultivate more consciousness around our coping strategies, and which ones we choose to engage in, it can be helpful to make a list of the ones we turn to that aren’t so nourishing and ones that are. And note that sometimes it’s the context that matters. Binge watching Netflix can be an easy escape from ourselves, other times it’s a kind gesture for our minds to take a break. Knowing why you’re reaching for something and what you hope to get out of it can help you make a more supportive choice for yourself.
This is also true of seeking solitude. Opting out of social engagements can sometimes feels like the best option-- especially when you’re not feeling particularly cheery-- but it can actually further feelings of sadness or depression. Though you may genuinely need more time to yourself, we are social creatures to our core and there are now studies showing that even when we think we won’t like socializing, it’s actually the one activity that makes us most happy. It’s often who we choose to engage with that can help tip the scale.
If this is a struggle point for yourself, I encourage you to seek support-- whether that’s joining a processing group, reaching out for therapy, or intentionally setting up more time with trustworthy friends who feel safe. It may feel that we have no choice but to trudge through the holiday season, but we do have choice in how we move through it. So, I invite you to be kinder to yourself this holiday season, to make space for what you need, and to surround yourself with the version of family that feels right for you.