Adrian Acevedo, MHC

The concept of self-compassion comes up frequently in my work with my clients, and it’s often misunderstood. Clients often express skepticism about self-compassion because it runs so contrary to their active inner critic, perfectionistic mindsets, and persistent feelings of shame. There is a common belief (conscious or unconscious) that it is criticism and shame that pushes us to be better, but I have often witnessed the opposite in my work and my own life.

When discussing the important role of self-compassion in one’s personal growth and maturing, it’s important to understand what self-compassion *isn’t.* Self-compassion is NOT…

• Self-pity—self-pity leads us to focus too heavily on our own problems and shortcomings, which can become an obstacle to connection with others. 

  Self-compassion empowers us to accept our own flaws without judgment, and in turn, allows us to do the same for others. Self-compassion promotes our acknowledgment of shared/universal experiences of being human.

• Narcissism—narcissism implies an overinflated sense of self and one’s accomplishments, and a posture of superiority.
  Self-compassion requires honesty about ourselves, our successes, and our shortcomings. It is not based on feelings of superiority but rather is grounded in acceptance of being an imperfect human being.

• Rejection of accountability—one misunderstanding about self-compassion is that it’s meant to let us off the hook or exempt us from guilt/accountability for our actions.
  Self-compassion is a nonjudgmental stance, and it allows us to tolerate the feeling of guilt when it is appropriate, taking responsibility for the ways we may act outside of our values or harm others without becoming defensive. 

Self-compassion is not freedom from accountability, it is freedom to be accountable. 

Watching my clients learn to integrate self-compassion into their relationship with self is such a privilege, and often lends itself to forward motion that was not accessible from a place of constant self-judgment. I witness greater empowerment, a sense of capability, and perspective when self-compassion is allowed into the narrative. Reframing your model of growth and progress can be scary, even threatening to parts of you that have relied on over control and criticism for so long. Consider embracing newness in the new year, and watch what can happen when you soften towards yourself.