Alex Mammadyarov, MHC

Many grieving people have heard about psychiatrist and death-studies pioneer Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s Five Stages of Grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). Though the model was actually developed from Kübler-Ross’s work with terminally ill individuals who were facing the end of life, those going through a loss may also resonate with elements of the stages. For instance, denial may show up as difficulty facing the reality that the person we have lost is physically gone. Once we have begun contending with this reality, we might even feel angry. Although these elements may resonate, for some, the idea of working through stages might be daunting, like engaging in a live-action video game with levels. On the other hand, having a framework to engage within grief can help lend some sense of direction and even meaning-making through this deeply transformative experience. 

Clinicians continue to develop new ways of looking at grief, creating more pathways for grieving folks to learn about themselves and their relationships, and gain their footing as they continue on in life. In his 2018 handbook for mental health practitioners, Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy, J. William Worden offers four tasks of grieving:

Task one: To accept the reality of the loss.

Loss is truly surreal and of course, challenging to accept. As with any pain we come to endure in life, it is often necessary to face it in order to begin working toward a sense of healing around it.

Task two: To process the pain of grief.

This is where having social support and a safe, therapeutic space is extremely helpful. Therapy in particular is a powerful place to work through the pain of grief because it offers the opportunity to have an impartial sounding board. We can show up fully without filtering ourselves as we might be around others who share the loss but may have had very different relationships with the person who died or maybe having very different reactions to the death.

Task three: To adjust to a world without the person who died, externally (living daily without them), internally (asking “who am I now?”), and spiritually (reframing one’s world views and beliefs).

Adjusting to life after loss is not a one-dimensional process because grief doesn’t have a one-dimensional impact. It not only changes the rhythm of our daily lives but also invites us to reassess our sense of self and our beliefs about life and the afterlife. These adjustments (and potentially very fulfilling self-discovery!) take time and it can take patience to make room for this process. In the words of Kübler-Ross and grief expert David Kessler, “You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.”  

Task four: To find an enduring connection with the person who died, while embarking on a new life.

In grief, we might fear that as we move forward in our lives, we are moving further away from the person we lost. In truth, though, it is possible to foster a continued relationship with a loved one who is no longer physically present. We may do this by setting aside time to reflect on our memories or share them with others, engaging in activities that we used to enjoy doing with them, or bringing them into our spiritual practices. 

There is no one way to grieve and no singular model can ever account for the full human experience but having a framework from which to draw inspiration can be incredibly helpful. Offer yourself compassion, patience, and flexibility as you journey on.

Sources:

Kessler, D. & Kübler-Ross, E. (2007). On grief and grieving: Finding the meaning of grief through the five stages of loss. Scribner. 

Kübler-Ross, E. (2014). On death & dying: What the dying have to teach doctors, nurses, clergy, & their own families. Scribner. 

Worden, W.J. (2018). Grief counseling and grief therapy: A handbook for the mental health practitioner (5th ed.). Springer Publishing Company.