Ronni Umles, MHC

Life is all about integration. From the moment we’re born, we learn to integrate the most basic motor functions into our daily routine, like how to walk without falling or pick up a utensil and eat with it. We also incorporate aspects of our sensory experiences, such as what kind of foods we enjoy and what we don’t into our diet. Integration is naturally built into our psyche. Whether conscious or unconscious, our mind processes and stores information that then guides the experience of our internal and external realities. Simply put, we absorb knowledge through interactions with others and our environments which creates the narrative of our inward experience. In turn, our internal story informs how we interact with our external environment. A full circle effect in constant motion.

Because integration is fundamentally subconscious, we are susceptible to inhabiting unhealthy habits, behaviors, and mindsets due to experiences that can start as early as learning to walk. Early in our development, we gain access to self-awareness. In safe and secure settings, most importantly in the home, the child presumably will have an opportunity to cultivate an ability to process, reflect, and become self-aware. Should the child grow up in an unsafe or unstable setting, lessens their chance to gain meaningful access to their sense of self. There is clearly a disparity that lies between the latter and the former.

Though an unfortunate inequity, there is a way out.

Building on a practice of self-awareness is essential if we are to become intentional about what needs to change. Intentional integration is the act of thoughtful unification of knowledge gained by processing through our internal realm such as our thoughts and perceptions, then applying these realizations to our external actions including our behavior, lifestyle, and relationships. For example, growing up in an emotionally abusive home with a caregiver who was incapable of empathy, love, or was emotionally distant could have lasting effects on a child’s capacity to maintain healthy and sustainable relationships. In adulthood, there is a higher probability for emotionally abusive scenarios that may include manipulation, guilt tripping, love bombing, avoidance, gaslighting, codependency, and dissonance.

A situation like the one described has potential to become quite disruptive to one’s life. Self-awareness starts with noticing a symptom such as day to day anxiety, loss of sleep, inability to say no, consistent guilt for choosing self-care, or difficulty maintaining relationships whether social, romantic, or professional. Awareness of a symptom opens the door to finding relief, closure, healing and in some cases, a clarifying cause. Paying attention to even one concerning issue is worthy of exploration and begins the intentional integration process towards change.

There are several means to develop insight about our blind spots. I find it most effective to have a combination of outlets for instance, therapy, spiritual healing, energy work, or alternative medicines like psychedelics or breath work. A personal practice is also important, whether that’s through a physical, creative, or meditative release. A foundation of outlets for inner exploration and emotional/mental release allows for supported integration and a greater means to develop an outlook through a healing lens. In time, a shift in behavior, lifestyle, and relationships naturally starts to happen. The wounded self will begin to take a back seat and allow space for growth for a developing part of you who seeks to live a fulfilled and joyful life.

With peace,
Ronni