Sam Silor, MHC-LP

So, you met someone new and you’re feeling excited. You’re starting to notice this is someone who makes you feel safe & like you can open up to them more authentically. There’s only one little thing holding you back—you have a kink you haven’t shared yet. Kink is a term used to encompass a wide spectrum of “non-conventional” sexual behaviors, interests, desires, & practices. What’s even considered “kinky” is highly subjective to the person & influenced by culture. So how do we begin to share something so nuanced and personal? 

As with most healing work, it starts with embracing yourself first. Deep shame and fear of rejection can be so strong they prevent us from being open--even with ourselves. Try to reframe this kink as something you find to be meaningful to your life and therefore deserving of being honored. Ask yourself—"Have I actually spent time getting cozy with my kink?” Push through any thoughts of shame that come up and let your mind explore a fantasy fully & freely. When it comes to shame, we often feel alone with it. One way to help combat this kind of shame is by connecting with a kinky community. A great, low-stakes way to start is by joining online communities that often also offer the opportunity to meet up in-person. Connecting with a kink community helps normalize the experience and can even spark some fun new ideas.

Try to talk about sex more! It helps to start getting comfortable talking about sex and intimacy in general because kink centers communication. Notice if you feel relaxed when you do or if you start to get tense or experience discomfort. There are ways to incorporate this topic of conversation to feel more organic in timing such as during the moments after sex. Think “pillow talk,” but spicier. Simply taking the time to mutually reflect on the sex and sharing your experiences with one another—What was exciting? Was there anything that felt new? What do you want more of? Less of? What boundaries felt respected? How was the connection? It can also be helpful to start incorporating talk during the scene itself. What we learn about talking during sex from the media, especially porn, is often performative & too much pressure creatively. But keep in mind it doesn’t have to be an elaborate fantasy; you can also use dirty talk in a practical way to indicate how you’d like to receive—with increased speed, more pressure, in a different position or angle. This gets you practice verbalizing your sexual needs and desires. “It turns me on when you…” “I’m excited by…”

After building your communication skills try to utilize visualization. Many of us enjoy being stimulated visually and are also visual learners. It can be helpful (and fun!) to find a video that demonstrates something you find kinky and enjoyable. This also lets you and your partner(s) explore the fantasy in a safe setting that doesn’t put pressure on participation. Offer to watch the video with your partner and then use your new communication skills to talk through any reactions they might be having. They may even have similar reactions as you! Videos can also serve as a sexy learning tool for any kinks your partner(s) may be less familiar with or those that require more intricate equipment & safety practices. 

Remember, the world of kink is beautiful and diverse. What’s kinky to some may not be kinky to others. If you stay within the boundaries of safe, sane, & consensual—anything’s possible!